*tear*

Somehow, somewhere along the way, this blog has affected some things.

Not really sure why? or how? Because i thought expressing yourself was a good thing. And I'm preplexed at how me sharing myself became a bad thing. Because no matter who you are, you always have your own inner demons that you fight - whatever they may be - that people may not know about. It just so happens I fight mine in a quasi-public manner and you happen to know my demon - if you read here. I could do like others and just write them in a journal the old fashioned way where NO ONE ever sees my thoughts. But I choose to be here. I just don't get it. *head in hands*

I'm confused, hurt, angry and sad.

that's on top of everything else.

But I'm not going to apologize for having this forum. But it sure does make me not want to post here. yea. i said it.

I knew, but I didn't know.

It's over!! My quarter is over. So for once I actually have a little time to breathe and figure out how I need to plan my life better. scratch that...no planning, learn the art of just being. (i meant what i said) But I'm actually feeling a lot more anxious because I know that I have an exam the 2nd day of school on material that I know nothing about. It never fails - awesomeness. I can't seem to catch a break. Not to mention they also threw in - hey, make drug cards for these 100+ drugs while your out. greeeeeeaaaaat. Don't know when I'm going to start, but I know I don't want to see or look at a book for at least 5 days.

It will all be worth it in the end. *repeat* it will all be worth it in the end *repeat*

On the other hand. Remember 50lbs in 120days. Well, looks as though I might want to get on that right? So I was thinking about why is it that I'm having such an internal conflict of doing what I logically already know how to do. I start for a week then fall off after a week. *repeat* why? Someone asked me, why is it that my confidence has changed in my ability to complete this task?

Because. And I'd like to add that I really had to think about this. Really. they why has had me stumped for a minute. but I figured it out.

When I stepped on the scale I exposed myself to me. It's not stepping on the scale that throws me. Now I just do it randomly for no reason, ok, well just to make sure I don't gain too much weight. lame i know. But that first time.

It was May. I know I mentioned it before, but I don't think I fully understood how much it affected me. Or maybe I didn't acknowledge it? Because I remember it hurting like the dickens. And I was mad. MAD. To the urgence of some fellow weight losing friends I decided to step on the scale. But here's the deal - I was doing triathlons, competing with no one but myself and feeling strong, and in control of my life. Knowing something was going on because my pants were starting to feel funny, but kinda in denial of facing it. Why?

Because I knew I wasn't ready. I *knew* it. I knew that I wasn't ready to see whatever number was going to show.

I had just completed a 13.1 mile race and was devastated with my time. DEVAS.TATED. But I was kinda ok with me. Kinda. it wasn't anything like now. I completed Irongirl a few months later and had realized that if I got my run together I could be middle of the pack. (For all you non-triathlon people, that's HUGE. big. BIG) But again, I was fine living in my world. I felt strong, in control of me. Read the report. It was the first time I wasn't even sad about my run. I had fun with it because I *knew* that I could fix that.

But then I went back to that number afterward. All the running, biking and swimming couldn't combat my mouth and that made me mad. warped thinking i know.

I lost my swagger in May. I remember. I think it was May 5th to be exact.

I remember crying for a week. A WEEK. Being very very VERY depressed for about 2 months and trying to hide it from the world. Because you know when you're the strong one and you get down on yourself people either a. don't know what to do with you or b. try to help in their own way (and sometimes are usually overbearing because they just want to see you back to your old self again). But you know I had to pull it together because I had a race to get ready for - and then WHAM! school started and my schedule went to complete and utter chaos. I don't deal well when my routine is messed with. I lost it...personally. My home, finances, me. ME went on the backburner. It always does. I'm inclined to type no biggie - in reference to me being put on the backburner. I think that's a bit of an issue...but I have to do what I have to do and somehow figure out how to do it simultaneously with me in the front. And I'll be honest, I'm still angry that my mother didn't/hadn't helped me financially but can start a savings account. yea. bitter. party of one?! *raising hand* Can someone win the lottery please?! PLEASE?! I SAID PLEASE! With that being said, I'm not inclined to stop my life so you can stop asking me that too. In every other area of my life I'm literally the happiest I've been in a while. And I say that with a smile while I type. lol

Stepping on that scale in May exposed me to me. Yes, it's just a number. YES YES YES I know that. Why do I let it have so much power? I don't know so quit asking me. I've watched every woman in my life I've looked up too struggle with this - I refuse to have my daughter go through the same thing. Your man is only going to tell you so many times that your beautiful before it starts pissing him off ya know. But I don't know why it has so much power. Had. Right now, like I said, really don't care. It only really affects me now when I try to wear something in my closet. 3/4 of the clothes in my closet I can't wear - yea. Because I can't fit them. lovely huh? or like when I try to go walking with my mom and ask her to turn around after a mile because I feel like I might die. Where is that girl who completed that triathlon less than 6 months ago? or like when your mom means well but says," I put this on layway for you, it's a 1x and you'll work to get into it, I know you will so you can take pictures with R." *backhanded compliment. thanks* wait. that's not even a compliment! I'm sad I lost her and sad I have to work so hard to find her again - and kinda bitter that I do have to find her again. 13.1 is going to feel like a lifetime at this rate.

At this rate it's all on me. I know that. The question now becomes how I'm going to respond to this new found revelation. So now I know, what am I going to do about it?

I need to practice what I said. The art of just being. I can be sad/bitter. That's ok. I can be sad for 39058409 months. it's really ok. But am I going to let the sadness/bitterness stop myself from this? Right now...yes. at least till 10pm.

It took me 7 months to move from angry to sad. I've really got to take bigger baby steps...

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!

**********************NEWSFLASH**********************************

I don't care about Tiger Woods and his love life. He screwed up. So what.

Secondly, I could care less about the people who snuck into the WhiteHouse. Fire the secret service and staffers that allowed it and move on.

thanks.

Just think about it.

So I'm going to be a little heavy here. This post has no real point except that it's been on my mind for a few days.

I've been following politics for a bit now. Really not because we now have a black president, but it's interesting. And since I'm thinking of bringing kids into this world I figure I better be informed. Recently, we've had a mayoral election in Atlanta. There was one black candidate and one white candidate. The bottom line is that reports showed that the election was majorly split down racial lines in the city. To me - no surprise.

IMHO, with our new president ( I really hate when people call him the black president), racial lines have been so clearly defined in recent issues it's starting to be sickening. Not in an *ew* kind of way, but in a 1. is everyone going to relate these topics to color and 2. it baffles me that we think our new president joined and released racial tensions. I'm going to venture out and say I've never seen racial lines so clearly defined since the election of our president. go ahead, gasp. shock. awe. but it's the truth. Ever since he came into office EVERYTHING is now a black and white thing. It's become quite annoying for this black person in the room.

All I want is for people to acknowledge the monkey in the room. period. If we acknowledge things we can truly move on and try to *fix* the problem. But since we keep ignoring it - the tension keeps building.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the *I'm down for the black panthers club* and "it's all the man's fault". My views aren't what I want people to realize. I want people to open their eyes a bit and see that this racial tension that we speak of, that the media loves to say doesn't exsist, does. And not because I said so or I believe it does. See, everyone will do the PC thing and say, "nooooooooo, america is full of rainbows and sunshine and we love one another equally."

That's like saying congress knows how to budget.

Learning to just be...

Meh. I'm forcing a type. Not because I have nothing to talk about, but because I'm being utterly and completly lazy. And that's just the God's honest truth.

The dirty 30.

Ha. I actually like that. I have officially turned 30 on Novemeber 24th. And you know what? I am utterly and completly excited about my 30's. I just feel like oodles and oodles of good things are waiting for me this decade - include FINALLY getting to my healthy weight. The 20's were hard. They were. They were full of difficulties to which I honestly think I wasn't "grown" enough to deal with. Or shouldn't have dealt with. Or wait, were they growing pains? Anyway. I can truly say the 20's for me were hard in hinsight; and quaite frankly I NEVER want to repeat them again. Nothing against them, but I don't want them. No thanks. But on the other side, the 20's were a time of tremendous growth. I found my career, my man, my home, my own mindset, and my own opinions. I can honestly remember how old I was in my 20's where I said to myself, "hey, I need to have an opinion of my own about this." And then that was that ;) I never looked back. I learned when to hold and when to fold. I learned how to say no. But more importantly I found myself...kinda. I accomplished more than the average in my decade of the twenties and I have truly impressed myself.
And now it's time that I start moving on and developing a plan for my 30's. However, I do remember a while ago back in the summer where things were quite raw here that I realized that I'm not that great at living in the moment and accepting things at how they are today. So that's my plan for the 30's. To live in the moment. To love life and not plan every single minute of every single day. Have fun knowing that I am smart enough to figure out when I need to stop and take a breathe and when I need to let my hair down. So that is my plan for my 30's...live in the moment and just be. And part of just being is accepting that I have to work at this healthy lifestyle thing. To be honest I really wanted to say healthy lifestyle crap. It's not as easy for me as it is for other people but that's no dang excuse.

So here I am. I sit. It is about making me happy this decade and doing things that are productive for me and not self destructive. It's about time I put as much effort into me that I did into everyone else and my goals like I did in my 20's.

I heard somewhere once that there is either love or no love. Love *is* unconditional. So there is no such thing as "unconditional love". It's either love or no love. period.

and it's time I start loving myself.

p.s. 50lbs in 120days....

flow with me.

So...there's been a movement. If you have no idea what i'm talking about then that's awesome. Just continue to live in oblivion. (that wasn't supposed to come across as mean). But if you know what I'm talking about, then just flow with me. Even if you don't...flow with me. Hell, I need to flow with myself.

It's time that we are honest with ourselves? right? Hasn't that been a lot of what this blog has been about? So I'm gonna be honest.

I know the healthy foods. I know the exercise.

Yea...I don't, haven't done it.

BUT, I'm taking baby steps again to get me back to where I used to be. Who knew this healthy lifestyle crap_ could be so hard! Why couldn't...oh hell. I can't even finish my sentence because when you look at life, it's just hard sometimes. HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO mother!!! you can take this being a grown up thing back whenever you feel like it.

On the flip-side, again...still feeling the miniscules of positivity out in the universe around me. It ain't all rainbows and sunshine but I can definetly see them in the distance. And for what it's worth, I've actually eaten veggies nearly everyday in the last week. And I drank my water too.
And me even typing this statement is odd because I LOVE those 2 things oh so much. Seriously. I love vegatables and water. yummy tummy.

And in the spirit of trying-to-get-back-in-the-habit, I managed to dismiss 6.7lbs for the past week.

go ahead. rain on my with glory and sunshine :)

WHOO!

*****rainbows****

Mom's are the best!!!

Mom's are the best!!!! I just HAVE to tell you what my mommy did. As we all know I'm in school...again...and I'm, let's just say, overwhelemed. I've been wanting to get organized for months and really clean this house but it just never happened. So much so it was starting to affect my mood right?! right. I mean I leave the house around 6-630ish and I'm not home until 7ish, so "keeping the house together" is a little tough. Well, the entire time my mom has been my sounding board. Well, she offered to come over and take care of Jordan (my doggie) on Monday so I could save a bit of money on the daycare. Well, she stayed alright. AND SPRING CLEANED MY ENTIRE HOUSE!!! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My house is so flipping clean it is ridiculous!! I mean she even wiped the doors, window seals etc. I mean it's clean, organized, stuff is put away. The lady did all of my laundry, folded it and put it away. My house hasn't looked like this in probably over a year! She bought candles for the house (smell and decorative purposes) and bought me baskets for my clothes (i suck at buying necessities). You're probably like, why the hell is she so excited about this. Well, read my previous 2 postings. My unorganized house caused me to not want to be productive and feel in over my head when I stepped in my own house. Now when i come home, it's like a breath of fresh air - completly unstressful. When I came home she just continued cleaning and was like, "...I knew you needed help....I got your back.....go ahead and take a shower and start studying..." so I did. I mean the woman hung up my clothes and simultaneously listened to me ramble on as I studied about the heart and respiratory system!And she just finished up, hugged me goodbye and said she'd be back thursday to take care of Jordan.

She may get on my nerves, I may fuss, we may even get mad and not speak to each other for a few days. But she sure is there when i need her. If I could be even HALF the woman she is, I'd be so very grateful.

(she's doing some awkard smiling thing here but there she is!)

Now, I feel the need to eat a little healthier tomorrow and get in some exercise tomorrow in my new clean house. whoo! go mom!

yay!!

yay! lookie what I'm purchasing tomorrow or tuesday! I'm sooooo excited. I've been wanting one for literally, about 2 years now. Now, I don't want one because I think it will be the be all end all to my weight complex. It's THE MAGIC PILL!!!. yea no. I'm not dumb. I want it because I need something:

• accessible that my schedule will allow
• incorporates tri training and half-marathon training
• allows me to walk if all else fails while watching tv
• won't allow me to get out of the summer blah's i.e. it's hot. i'm not running in the heat and i'm not going to the gym. EVERY summer i do that. no lie.

I'm so flipping excited. I've known I wanted to get this thing for MONTHS. MONTHS I tell you. Do I feel like it will be a tremendous asset? HELLS Yea! Oh and there is that half-marathon that I keep mentioning. This will allow me to complete my runs on MY schedule (which changes every 10 weeks) and allow me to prepare with no excuses. And it helps that I found a super duper light half-marathon training program. It has me running 4x per week I believe - but it progresses me so slowly I don't think it will scare me off. For the first few weeks my long runs are like 5, 6,7 miles tops. Plus, it's a 12 week program. BOO-YAH! So I figured if I started my *real* training December 1. THat gives me a solid 12 weeks to train. And my goal is to run an entire 10k then go to a run/walk at 10 and 2.

What do you professionals think? There are some of you who run lots. What do you think?

I've literally got to start ALL over again. As if I've never run a step. I've lost my base in everything.

p.s. I stepped on the scale. ohhhh it wasn't pretty. nope. not as scary as I thought but not pretty. but what's even more annoying, it's like my skin is hurting from stretching. NOT.A.GOOD.SIGN.

p.p.s. on the upside I DID organize a lil!!! I cleaned my mantel and all of my kitchen! including cleaning out the scary dirty fridge :::shudder::: *thanks mom for helping* next up, taking all papers to work for shredding! I'm feeling a bit relieved.

mental days

So hear I am. This week I actually took 2 days off so that I could get myself together. My goal was to clean up the house and really prepare and get organized. But I only got part of what I wanted. What I really did was rest. I studied at the library about 5 hrs per day, but other than that, I rested.
And let me tell ya. It felt good. I've got about 2 chapters to do tomorrow. But other than that life is good. I'm just overwhelmed.not even because of the workload, but because I'm not organized! Organization is key. I can tell you one thing. That by the weekend I will have organized some, not all, of my home and freed myself of some clutter. I'm giddy just thinking about it. And that release ready's myself to get back on the eating right and nutrition train. I'm feeling......positive. Not all bubbly and bouncing up and down positive, but a glimmer of hope. That's what I feel.

Remember. Your house is usually a reflection of the mind. Get your house in order. Literally.

dude

Hey there. I suck at updating this. My goal is to do it every 2-3 days. So if you don't mind no pictures I can do that from my phone. Speak now or forever hold your peace. or get the hell out. makes me no mind.

And yes, I will acknowledge that I am sucking every so often so deal with that.

As the year goes on, I'm acknowledging that my patients for people is wearing thin. I'm working on that. But people never cease to amaze me in their awesomeness.

Where the hell do people come off questioning my relationship with my man?! um HELLLOOO. it's *my* flipping relationship. Now I'm not going to get too personal on here because I vowed that I would keep him out of this. But dammit that shit pisses me off. And by people who a. have had failed marriages or b. don't have a man at all?!! what.the.hell.

do you see my face? seriously. do you see it?

I know exactly what kind of relationship I'm in, how long I've been in it, what we go through etc. Hell. half the battle is realizing that we are dating ONLY each other and not the masses who love to dictate how our relationship should be or what we should do or my favorite...what i should allow. What the hell? That's the problem with relationships today. People always saying so fast what they should and should not do per the request of some lameass friend in a failing relationship single hood living life. kiss my ass.

When we do what we do. You'll be the last to let you know.

on the other hand, I fully acknowledge that 5 bags of m&m's (halloween style) does not consititute as dinner 2 nights in a row and I might as well plant the sugar/fat on that thing that is spreading below my back. channel ING. CHANNEL ING....

just sayin.

RANDOM

random #1

So is it supposed to be harder?

Again, all I keep hearing is that this nursing program is hard. uh. yea. I get that. Now do I think it's going to get harder? of course. But do I believe that if I keep studying, working hard and doing what I'm supposed to be doing it will get easier. UH YEA.

so quit telling me it get's harder douche. You're trying to scare me and really, it's not working.

random #2

I should probably make this it's own little post. But there's this little thing called a HALF MARATHON that I registered for again. I seriously need to get on that. Next month (at the end of the month), I'll begin training for that fateful day. I do plan to not die at the end like I did last year. Unfortunetly, I'm ohhh 35lbs heavier so that means I'm 35lbs slower. *kicking rocks* training is sooooo gonna hurt.

random #3

people are still stupid. And I miss updating this blog as much as I use too. Nursing sucks in this particular aspect.

for reals?

I should be studying. I mean literally. I study pretty much 4-5x per week a couple hours a day.





But that's not why I'm over it. I'm just over people. It's not secret to any of my *good* friends that I'm not a people person. Yea, I admit it, so what. I tend to not like people, write people off if they hurt me, write them off if they have no business about themselves or anything. To be quite honest, I enjoy my time alone. I'm ALWAYS on the go go go so it doesn't bother me to be by myself (I'm excluding the man here. I love him and love being around him no matter the mood).

That's Jordan. My baby. My spoiled rotten black lab who is now 1.6 years and about 80lbs. (this pic he is about 7 months here so he's a tad bigger and longer)

But seriously. As of late I have also been accused of leaving my dog outside to hang himself. Really? really? My backyard is all of 2ft long and 2 ft wide - exaggeration, but exceptionally small. Jordan couldn't even get a full run on if he wanted too without running into a fence. But yet and still me putting him out on his leash to roam his little area that he has leaves him depressed, in despair and at risk of hanging himself because he deserves better.



do you see my face?



God forbid I actually need to clean and move some crap around and put him outside to get fresh air...because you know he so untaken care of with that doggie daycare he goes too 2-3x a week and living inside my home spoiled rotten and having his grandma come steal him away on a regular basis because she loves him too. I mean he's so unkempt! Shame on me!



Then, in other little comments. Bursting my bubble. Really? really?



Is bursting MY bubble necessary? And people wonder why I chew them up and spit them out, write people off and not think twice. There are very few people that I can honestly deal with on a regular basis. And if you are one of them, consider yourself lucky. Yep. I'm sounding full of myself on purpose. Maybe I'm being moody, but yea. I'm gonna go with a no. Time is one of *the* most valuable things you can give a person. That's my opinion. And right now, my time is precious. If you even remotely read this, you know that.



Everyone else can suck it while I get mine. And then you'll be wishing I dealt with you.



*finger*