A little perspective

First off, for whoever reads this blog of mine I wanted to say a quick thank you. I've gotten several supportive emails since this endeavor of mine has started. It's quickly turned healthy lifestyle focused, but more importantly, immensely therapeutic for me to be able to keep an online journal for myself. I think I have literally become my own therapist. Then a quick sorry for neglecting you/myself. BUT, I was in finals mode for the end of the quarter and I'm sure all of you understand that. Between trying to feel better and studying for finals, that took up just about all of my time for the past 2 weeks or so. Thank heavens it's over for right now. And I'll just add that I have officially passed quarter 1 of nursing school. whoo!

But I'll be honest. I am mad. Angry. Furious. And i came here ready to be horribly negative about my progress and just really ready to rip myself a new one. But on that 1 hour ride home, I got a little perspective, which I will get to in a minute. Let me first tell you why I was - still am - upset. This morning I get on the scale...+4. oh oh oh, but the kicker is it was +8 before I showered. WTH? I have been working my food for weeks now. Seriously, it's better than even when I was half-assing what I was doing earlier this year. So for me to get on the scale and see +4??? WHAT?! +1, +2 I can handle, but that was just too much for me knowing that I *am* truly working this system. It pissed me the hell off. And then I got angry at myself for coming back to this dark place. I've talked about it before, but I was HORRIBLY depressed in California (specifically before I met my honey). Like not leave the house, clean the house, mother worried depressed. Never really told anyone, but it was me and my mother's little secret. You know how I got out of it. Sheer will and working out. yep. as lame as it sounds I forced it and then eventually the endorphins kicked in and I started feeling better about myself blah blah....snowball. Bonus = losing 60lbs. I tell you no lie when I say the first time I worked out I was purely intent on relieving stress and getting out of depression.

Somewhere along the lines people noticed the weightloss. Then I noticed. It wasn't until about 45lbs lost that I realized what I had done (meaning lost weight). Don't get me wrong, I weighed monthly and ate right but it just never occurred to me that I'd actually lose weight. It was kinda weird. So fast forward to now. I've gained 45lbs BACK. 40 of it in one year. ONE FLIPPING YEAR. So I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point. Angry that I can't seem to get it together and get that scale moving in the right direction. Angry that I lose my patients with myself. Angry that I don't like myself anymore. Angry I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Angry that my knees hurt. Pissed off because I let it affect me the way I do.

I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I'm probably going to remain angry for a while now. And you know what. That's ok and I'm going to allow myself that anger. What I'm NOT going to do is continue that stupid vicious cycle of getting mad, saying f-it, and eating. No...I'm gonna be pissed off and just keep doing what I'm doing. I swear on all that is holy (which I probably shouldn't do) that I will win this battle one way or another. One way or another. But I know that I'm doing right so my body "should" be responding. So I'm going to be angry, but I'm still keeping to my plan. There was almost a chick-fil-a meal with a oreo cookie milkshake in my hand this afternoon. But eating clearly isn't the solution now is it? I can still be mad and smart. And dammit_that's exactly what I am. Mad and Smart.

So then I'm driving home. Fully intent on yelling and using every explicative mark on myself later tonight. yea. I'm hard on myself, I know. But then I see it. I'm merging onto the freeway coming around the curve and a car 2 cars back to my left on a 2 lane merging curve spins out of control all the way into an oncoming ramp several hundred yards away. It literally spun out of control into the next lane then did a slow spin over a grassy area into another oncoming ramp. Luckily, they came to a stop and no one was hurt.

But that easily could have been me. If I would have slowed down I would have been side swipped easily, lost control of my own car and/or been seriously injured.

Fat or nearly dead. I'll take fat.

It could always be worse and I came uberly close to not having this realization. Hell I could have been that person who lost control. The lord knew what he was doing. Stopped me mid-self wallowing.

I'll continue doing whatever it is I need to do to be successful in my journey. But that doesn't mean I won't get angry and get pissed from time to time. I think as long as I come back to the gameplan within my allotted 24hours I'm allowed a little anger.