*tear*

Somehow, somewhere along the way, this blog has affected some things.

Not really sure why? or how? Because i thought expressing yourself was a good thing. And I'm preplexed at how me sharing myself became a bad thing. Because no matter who you are, you always have your own inner demons that you fight - whatever they may be - that people may not know about. It just so happens I fight mine in a quasi-public manner and you happen to know my demon - if you read here. I could do like others and just write them in a journal the old fashioned way where NO ONE ever sees my thoughts. But I choose to be here. I just don't get it. *head in hands*

I'm confused, hurt, angry and sad.

that's on top of everything else.

But I'm not going to apologize for having this forum. But it sure does make me not want to post here. yea. i said it.

I knew, but I didn't know.

It's over!! My quarter is over. So for once I actually have a little time to breathe and figure out how I need to plan my life better. scratch that...no planning, learn the art of just being. (i meant what i said) But I'm actually feeling a lot more anxious because I know that I have an exam the 2nd day of school on material that I know nothing about. It never fails - awesomeness. I can't seem to catch a break. Not to mention they also threw in - hey, make drug cards for these 100+ drugs while your out. greeeeeeaaaaat. Don't know when I'm going to start, but I know I don't want to see or look at a book for at least 5 days.

It will all be worth it in the end. *repeat* it will all be worth it in the end *repeat*

On the other hand. Remember 50lbs in 120days. Well, looks as though I might want to get on that right? So I was thinking about why is it that I'm having such an internal conflict of doing what I logically already know how to do. I start for a week then fall off after a week. *repeat* why? Someone asked me, why is it that my confidence has changed in my ability to complete this task?

Because. And I'd like to add that I really had to think about this. Really. they why has had me stumped for a minute. but I figured it out.

When I stepped on the scale I exposed myself to me. It's not stepping on the scale that throws me. Now I just do it randomly for no reason, ok, well just to make sure I don't gain too much weight. lame i know. But that first time.

It was May. I know I mentioned it before, but I don't think I fully understood how much it affected me. Or maybe I didn't acknowledge it? Because I remember it hurting like the dickens. And I was mad. MAD. To the urgence of some fellow weight losing friends I decided to step on the scale. But here's the deal - I was doing triathlons, competing with no one but myself and feeling strong, and in control of my life. Knowing something was going on because my pants were starting to feel funny, but kinda in denial of facing it. Why?

Because I knew I wasn't ready. I *knew* it. I knew that I wasn't ready to see whatever number was going to show.

I had just completed a 13.1 mile race and was devastated with my time. DEVAS.TATED. But I was kinda ok with me. Kinda. it wasn't anything like now. I completed Irongirl a few months later and had realized that if I got my run together I could be middle of the pack. (For all you non-triathlon people, that's HUGE. big. BIG) But again, I was fine living in my world. I felt strong, in control of me. Read the report. It was the first time I wasn't even sad about my run. I had fun with it because I *knew* that I could fix that.

But then I went back to that number afterward. All the running, biking and swimming couldn't combat my mouth and that made me mad. warped thinking i know.

I lost my swagger in May. I remember. I think it was May 5th to be exact.

I remember crying for a week. A WEEK. Being very very VERY depressed for about 2 months and trying to hide it from the world. Because you know when you're the strong one and you get down on yourself people either a. don't know what to do with you or b. try to help in their own way (and sometimes are usually overbearing because they just want to see you back to your old self again). But you know I had to pull it together because I had a race to get ready for - and then WHAM! school started and my schedule went to complete and utter chaos. I don't deal well when my routine is messed with. I lost it...personally. My home, finances, me. ME went on the backburner. It always does. I'm inclined to type no biggie - in reference to me being put on the backburner. I think that's a bit of an issue...but I have to do what I have to do and somehow figure out how to do it simultaneously with me in the front. And I'll be honest, I'm still angry that my mother didn't/hadn't helped me financially but can start a savings account. yea. bitter. party of one?! *raising hand* Can someone win the lottery please?! PLEASE?! I SAID PLEASE! With that being said, I'm not inclined to stop my life so you can stop asking me that too. In every other area of my life I'm literally the happiest I've been in a while. And I say that with a smile while I type. lol

Stepping on that scale in May exposed me to me. Yes, it's just a number. YES YES YES I know that. Why do I let it have so much power? I don't know so quit asking me. I've watched every woman in my life I've looked up too struggle with this - I refuse to have my daughter go through the same thing. Your man is only going to tell you so many times that your beautiful before it starts pissing him off ya know. But I don't know why it has so much power. Had. Right now, like I said, really don't care. It only really affects me now when I try to wear something in my closet. 3/4 of the clothes in my closet I can't wear - yea. Because I can't fit them. lovely huh? or like when I try to go walking with my mom and ask her to turn around after a mile because I feel like I might die. Where is that girl who completed that triathlon less than 6 months ago? or like when your mom means well but says," I put this on layway for you, it's a 1x and you'll work to get into it, I know you will so you can take pictures with R." *backhanded compliment. thanks* wait. that's not even a compliment! I'm sad I lost her and sad I have to work so hard to find her again - and kinda bitter that I do have to find her again. 13.1 is going to feel like a lifetime at this rate.

At this rate it's all on me. I know that. The question now becomes how I'm going to respond to this new found revelation. So now I know, what am I going to do about it?

I need to practice what I said. The art of just being. I can be sad/bitter. That's ok. I can be sad for 39058409 months. it's really ok. But am I going to let the sadness/bitterness stop myself from this? Right now...yes. at least till 10pm.

It took me 7 months to move from angry to sad. I've really got to take bigger baby steps...

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!

**********************NEWSFLASH**********************************

I don't care about Tiger Woods and his love life. He screwed up. So what.

Secondly, I could care less about the people who snuck into the WhiteHouse. Fire the secret service and staffers that allowed it and move on.

thanks.

Just think about it.

So I'm going to be a little heavy here. This post has no real point except that it's been on my mind for a few days.

I've been following politics for a bit now. Really not because we now have a black president, but it's interesting. And since I'm thinking of bringing kids into this world I figure I better be informed. Recently, we've had a mayoral election in Atlanta. There was one black candidate and one white candidate. The bottom line is that reports showed that the election was majorly split down racial lines in the city. To me - no surprise.

IMHO, with our new president ( I really hate when people call him the black president), racial lines have been so clearly defined in recent issues it's starting to be sickening. Not in an *ew* kind of way, but in a 1. is everyone going to relate these topics to color and 2. it baffles me that we think our new president joined and released racial tensions. I'm going to venture out and say I've never seen racial lines so clearly defined since the election of our president. go ahead, gasp. shock. awe. but it's the truth. Ever since he came into office EVERYTHING is now a black and white thing. It's become quite annoying for this black person in the room.

All I want is for people to acknowledge the monkey in the room. period. If we acknowledge things we can truly move on and try to *fix* the problem. But since we keep ignoring it - the tension keeps building.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not in the *I'm down for the black panthers club* and "it's all the man's fault". My views aren't what I want people to realize. I want people to open their eyes a bit and see that this racial tension that we speak of, that the media loves to say doesn't exsist, does. And not because I said so or I believe it does. See, everyone will do the PC thing and say, "nooooooooo, america is full of rainbows and sunshine and we love one another equally."

That's like saying congress knows how to budget.

Learning to just be...

Meh. I'm forcing a type. Not because I have nothing to talk about, but because I'm being utterly and completly lazy. And that's just the God's honest truth.

The dirty 30.

Ha. I actually like that. I have officially turned 30 on Novemeber 24th. And you know what? I am utterly and completly excited about my 30's. I just feel like oodles and oodles of good things are waiting for me this decade - include FINALLY getting to my healthy weight. The 20's were hard. They were. They were full of difficulties to which I honestly think I wasn't "grown" enough to deal with. Or shouldn't have dealt with. Or wait, were they growing pains? Anyway. I can truly say the 20's for me were hard in hinsight; and quaite frankly I NEVER want to repeat them again. Nothing against them, but I don't want them. No thanks. But on the other side, the 20's were a time of tremendous growth. I found my career, my man, my home, my own mindset, and my own opinions. I can honestly remember how old I was in my 20's where I said to myself, "hey, I need to have an opinion of my own about this." And then that was that ;) I never looked back. I learned when to hold and when to fold. I learned how to say no. But more importantly I found myself...kinda. I accomplished more than the average in my decade of the twenties and I have truly impressed myself.
And now it's time that I start moving on and developing a plan for my 30's. However, I do remember a while ago back in the summer where things were quite raw here that I realized that I'm not that great at living in the moment and accepting things at how they are today. So that's my plan for the 30's. To live in the moment. To love life and not plan every single minute of every single day. Have fun knowing that I am smart enough to figure out when I need to stop and take a breathe and when I need to let my hair down. So that is my plan for my 30's...live in the moment and just be. And part of just being is accepting that I have to work at this healthy lifestyle thing. To be honest I really wanted to say healthy lifestyle crap. It's not as easy for me as it is for other people but that's no dang excuse.

So here I am. I sit. It is about making me happy this decade and doing things that are productive for me and not self destructive. It's about time I put as much effort into me that I did into everyone else and my goals like I did in my 20's.

I heard somewhere once that there is either love or no love. Love *is* unconditional. So there is no such thing as "unconditional love". It's either love or no love. period.

and it's time I start loving myself.

p.s. 50lbs in 120days....

flow with me.

So...there's been a movement. If you have no idea what i'm talking about then that's awesome. Just continue to live in oblivion. (that wasn't supposed to come across as mean). But if you know what I'm talking about, then just flow with me. Even if you don't...flow with me. Hell, I need to flow with myself.

It's time that we are honest with ourselves? right? Hasn't that been a lot of what this blog has been about? So I'm gonna be honest.

I know the healthy foods. I know the exercise.

Yea...I don't, haven't done it.

BUT, I'm taking baby steps again to get me back to where I used to be. Who knew this healthy lifestyle crap_ could be so hard! Why couldn't...oh hell. I can't even finish my sentence because when you look at life, it's just hard sometimes. HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO mother!!! you can take this being a grown up thing back whenever you feel like it.

On the flip-side, again...still feeling the miniscules of positivity out in the universe around me. It ain't all rainbows and sunshine but I can definetly see them in the distance. And for what it's worth, I've actually eaten veggies nearly everyday in the last week. And I drank my water too.
And me even typing this statement is odd because I LOVE those 2 things oh so much. Seriously. I love vegatables and water. yummy tummy.

And in the spirit of trying-to-get-back-in-the-habit, I managed to dismiss 6.7lbs for the past week.

go ahead. rain on my with glory and sunshine :)

WHOO!

*****rainbows****

Mom's are the best!!!

Mom's are the best!!!! I just HAVE to tell you what my mommy did. As we all know I'm in school...again...and I'm, let's just say, overwhelemed. I've been wanting to get organized for months and really clean this house but it just never happened. So much so it was starting to affect my mood right?! right. I mean I leave the house around 6-630ish and I'm not home until 7ish, so "keeping the house together" is a little tough. Well, the entire time my mom has been my sounding board. Well, she offered to come over and take care of Jordan (my doggie) on Monday so I could save a bit of money on the daycare. Well, she stayed alright. AND SPRING CLEANED MY ENTIRE HOUSE!!! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My house is so flipping clean it is ridiculous!! I mean she even wiped the doors, window seals etc. I mean it's clean, organized, stuff is put away. The lady did all of my laundry, folded it and put it away. My house hasn't looked like this in probably over a year! She bought candles for the house (smell and decorative purposes) and bought me baskets for my clothes (i suck at buying necessities). You're probably like, why the hell is she so excited about this. Well, read my previous 2 postings. My unorganized house caused me to not want to be productive and feel in over my head when I stepped in my own house. Now when i come home, it's like a breath of fresh air - completly unstressful. When I came home she just continued cleaning and was like, "...I knew you needed help....I got your back.....go ahead and take a shower and start studying..." so I did. I mean the woman hung up my clothes and simultaneously listened to me ramble on as I studied about the heart and respiratory system!And she just finished up, hugged me goodbye and said she'd be back thursday to take care of Jordan.

She may get on my nerves, I may fuss, we may even get mad and not speak to each other for a few days. But she sure is there when i need her. If I could be even HALF the woman she is, I'd be so very grateful.

(she's doing some awkard smiling thing here but there she is!)

Now, I feel the need to eat a little healthier tomorrow and get in some exercise tomorrow in my new clean house. whoo! go mom!

yay!!

yay! lookie what I'm purchasing tomorrow or tuesday! I'm sooooo excited. I've been wanting one for literally, about 2 years now. Now, I don't want one because I think it will be the be all end all to my weight complex. It's THE MAGIC PILL!!!. yea no. I'm not dumb. I want it because I need something:

• accessible that my schedule will allow
• incorporates tri training and half-marathon training
• allows me to walk if all else fails while watching tv
• won't allow me to get out of the summer blah's i.e. it's hot. i'm not running in the heat and i'm not going to the gym. EVERY summer i do that. no lie.

I'm so flipping excited. I've known I wanted to get this thing for MONTHS. MONTHS I tell you. Do I feel like it will be a tremendous asset? HELLS Yea! Oh and there is that half-marathon that I keep mentioning. This will allow me to complete my runs on MY schedule (which changes every 10 weeks) and allow me to prepare with no excuses. And it helps that I found a super duper light half-marathon training program. It has me running 4x per week I believe - but it progresses me so slowly I don't think it will scare me off. For the first few weeks my long runs are like 5, 6,7 miles tops. Plus, it's a 12 week program. BOO-YAH! So I figured if I started my *real* training December 1. THat gives me a solid 12 weeks to train. And my goal is to run an entire 10k then go to a run/walk at 10 and 2.

What do you professionals think? There are some of you who run lots. What do you think?

I've literally got to start ALL over again. As if I've never run a step. I've lost my base in everything.

p.s. I stepped on the scale. ohhhh it wasn't pretty. nope. not as scary as I thought but not pretty. but what's even more annoying, it's like my skin is hurting from stretching. NOT.A.GOOD.SIGN.

p.p.s. on the upside I DID organize a lil!!! I cleaned my mantel and all of my kitchen! including cleaning out the scary dirty fridge :::shudder::: *thanks mom for helping* next up, taking all papers to work for shredding! I'm feeling a bit relieved.

mental days

So hear I am. This week I actually took 2 days off so that I could get myself together. My goal was to clean up the house and really prepare and get organized. But I only got part of what I wanted. What I really did was rest. I studied at the library about 5 hrs per day, but other than that, I rested.
And let me tell ya. It felt good. I've got about 2 chapters to do tomorrow. But other than that life is good. I'm just overwhelmed.not even because of the workload, but because I'm not organized! Organization is key. I can tell you one thing. That by the weekend I will have organized some, not all, of my home and freed myself of some clutter. I'm giddy just thinking about it. And that release ready's myself to get back on the eating right and nutrition train. I'm feeling......positive. Not all bubbly and bouncing up and down positive, but a glimmer of hope. That's what I feel.

Remember. Your house is usually a reflection of the mind. Get your house in order. Literally.

dude

Hey there. I suck at updating this. My goal is to do it every 2-3 days. So if you don't mind no pictures I can do that from my phone. Speak now or forever hold your peace. or get the hell out. makes me no mind.

And yes, I will acknowledge that I am sucking every so often so deal with that.

As the year goes on, I'm acknowledging that my patients for people is wearing thin. I'm working on that. But people never cease to amaze me in their awesomeness.

Where the hell do people come off questioning my relationship with my man?! um HELLLOOO. it's *my* flipping relationship. Now I'm not going to get too personal on here because I vowed that I would keep him out of this. But dammit that shit pisses me off. And by people who a. have had failed marriages or b. don't have a man at all?!! what.the.hell.

do you see my face? seriously. do you see it?

I know exactly what kind of relationship I'm in, how long I've been in it, what we go through etc. Hell. half the battle is realizing that we are dating ONLY each other and not the masses who love to dictate how our relationship should be or what we should do or my favorite...what i should allow. What the hell? That's the problem with relationships today. People always saying so fast what they should and should not do per the request of some lameass friend in a failing relationship single hood living life. kiss my ass.

When we do what we do. You'll be the last to let you know.

on the other hand, I fully acknowledge that 5 bags of m&m's (halloween style) does not consititute as dinner 2 nights in a row and I might as well plant the sugar/fat on that thing that is spreading below my back. channel ING. CHANNEL ING....

just sayin.

RANDOM

random #1

So is it supposed to be harder?

Again, all I keep hearing is that this nursing program is hard. uh. yea. I get that. Now do I think it's going to get harder? of course. But do I believe that if I keep studying, working hard and doing what I'm supposed to be doing it will get easier. UH YEA.

so quit telling me it get's harder douche. You're trying to scare me and really, it's not working.

random #2

I should probably make this it's own little post. But there's this little thing called a HALF MARATHON that I registered for again. I seriously need to get on that. Next month (at the end of the month), I'll begin training for that fateful day. I do plan to not die at the end like I did last year. Unfortunetly, I'm ohhh 35lbs heavier so that means I'm 35lbs slower. *kicking rocks* training is sooooo gonna hurt.

random #3

people are still stupid. And I miss updating this blog as much as I use too. Nursing sucks in this particular aspect.

for reals?

I should be studying. I mean literally. I study pretty much 4-5x per week a couple hours a day.





But that's not why I'm over it. I'm just over people. It's not secret to any of my *good* friends that I'm not a people person. Yea, I admit it, so what. I tend to not like people, write people off if they hurt me, write them off if they have no business about themselves or anything. To be quite honest, I enjoy my time alone. I'm ALWAYS on the go go go so it doesn't bother me to be by myself (I'm excluding the man here. I love him and love being around him no matter the mood).

That's Jordan. My baby. My spoiled rotten black lab who is now 1.6 years and about 80lbs. (this pic he is about 7 months here so he's a tad bigger and longer)

But seriously. As of late I have also been accused of leaving my dog outside to hang himself. Really? really? My backyard is all of 2ft long and 2 ft wide - exaggeration, but exceptionally small. Jordan couldn't even get a full run on if he wanted too without running into a fence. But yet and still me putting him out on his leash to roam his little area that he has leaves him depressed, in despair and at risk of hanging himself because he deserves better.



do you see my face?



God forbid I actually need to clean and move some crap around and put him outside to get fresh air...because you know he so untaken care of with that doggie daycare he goes too 2-3x a week and living inside my home spoiled rotten and having his grandma come steal him away on a regular basis because she loves him too. I mean he's so unkempt! Shame on me!



Then, in other little comments. Bursting my bubble. Really? really?



Is bursting MY bubble necessary? And people wonder why I chew them up and spit them out, write people off and not think twice. There are very few people that I can honestly deal with on a regular basis. And if you are one of them, consider yourself lucky. Yep. I'm sounding full of myself on purpose. Maybe I'm being moody, but yea. I'm gonna go with a no. Time is one of *the* most valuable things you can give a person. That's my opinion. And right now, my time is precious. If you even remotely read this, you know that.



Everyone else can suck it while I get mine. And then you'll be wishing I dealt with you.



*finger*

and this is why we can't rise as a people

yep. it's thinngs like this that make you question bringing children in this world. So I'm out doing my 5 miler race with my newfound friend of a friend. We are laughing and walking briskly and just having fun. Literally motivating ourselves to let this be the kick off of getting us back started. Even recruited a random lady named Holly who was having a tough time going by herself.

Out of no where...a jeep rolls by and screams: GET A TREADMILL!!

really? like we haven't thought of this fabulous revelation. And clearly walking on a treadmil with a number on our front accomplishes the task of being in a RACE. douchebag.

So I'm sending out this PSA. If you know a douchebag or know someone who knows a prick. I implore you to call them out and relieve them of their prickiness. It is now your civic duty if you choose to accept the task. And for the record...you need to just accept it.

God I hate people. But I completed my race dammit. happily walking at 1:21. suck it.

*falling out*

work work manage work school school school exam school work school exam manage work work exam manage work school school drive drive exam drive work drive school drive manage manage sleep work drive school drive work work work school school drive school work exam school work broke school work eat drive drive school work work school school work school work exam exam work school work work sleep drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school work work work work work work school work work exam school work drive work school exam work school exam work school exam work school


****1 day break****

Tour DaVita pics!!

it's me in our lovely jersey :)

we would literally turn corners or have straightaways with breathtaking views. On this one we came out of a residential neighborhood to this...Lake Michigan.

bikers at the finish!! there was someone behind me passing off beers lol awesomeness

one of my favorite pictures of the backroads crew (the crew that supported my company in this whole event).

bikers for days! it was pretty awesome. This was the first 2.5 mile stop at a facility. Things usually spread out when we got rolling.

it's Tent City!! (that blue tent is the cell phone charging station)- this was broken down and set up at EVERY city stop we made for 3 days. It was an amazing production.

the goodies!! (jersey {which they wash for you}, hat, shirt, bag {not pictured are pins at every stop and a medal at the end})

they fit you right there if you don't ship your bike

the arrival. My company sure does know how to celebrate :)

thanks jordan

It's 330 am and I've been up for 30 min already. I guess this is the heavens cruel practice for my clinicals that are coming up in november.
Not cool man.

But really, I'd rather have a dog that rings the doorbells for me to let him out rather than one that craps in my house. Right? RIGHT?! Even if it is 300am in the morning and I'm wide awake annnnd hungry. That last sentence made me realize 2 things; this is going to be a long day and this sucks.

On the other hand, I'm still really sad. I wonder if I'm pmsing as to why I feel all sensitive. (I know I know I should know but I've been earlier than usual for thwe past 2 months-so I have no idea when she's coming) I have no idea where to begin to fix this. I was going to add that one unhappy thing is not in my hands, but if you really think about things EVERYTHING is in your own hands.It's all about choices. I just kind of feel like my life is coming to a complete stop or pause when it should be continually moving forward.

Does that make sense? Is this normal? Should our lives have intermittent pauses? I can honestly tell you I have never had a pause like this because I was continually goal setting and acheiving. So I don't know if this is normal.

Like after nursing, I have no goals (I'm a goal setter). I have no idea what's next for me. Maybe part of my problem is that I just need to learn to be in the moment instead of looking ahead.

Jesus. I have just made myself more confused.

Can anyone provide some insight or your opinions on this matter? You can do it anonomously too if you like.

Thinking at 330am hurts. It doesn't help that my dog is snoring. That bastard. I'm going to watch DVR.

p.s. I will still post pictures later from the ride.

wow. life has gotten so hard

it's been so busy. I came back and basically I've been trying to put myself back together on some sort of routine. It was hard after being away and travelling for nearly a week and a half. Sometimes just getting off of your routine can really just throw you off. Then Tuesday I started school - can we say WORK?! School and work is gonna be really really hard/long this fall. It really sucks ya know. heh, I said hard and long. *snort*

But I just came back from not only a momumental bike ride (I'll post the pics tomorrow), but I just came back from a beautiful wedding of my cousin to his girlfriend (to which I will not post pics :) You'll have to trust me when I say my family is gorgeous. Seriously.

Despite being around all of the happiness and joy that I've experienced this week, I am overwhelming sad about my current state. It has to do with several areas of my life, but the end result is that I am sad and have been sad since May 2009. Sad to the point where I could cry everyday. You could probably call it depressed but for some reason I haven't come quite to the point of accepting that within myself. I don't know why and for some reason I cannot shake it. But I am completely sad. I don't really think there is an area in my life right now that makes me happy and fufilled. I would say that I'm happy at times, but trully happy - meh.

And this concerns me. Right now. I'm just functioning.

And the sad part is, that no one really knows...purely because I'm just THAT good at hiding it.

and it's done!

Hey there!

First things first. No century we got there too late. 330pm to be exact and they didn't think 40 miles could be covered by night fall. Keep in mind the course was 110 miles to be exact. So we ended up doing something like 75. still an accomplishment, but boo!

I WANTED MY CENTURY!!!

But even though I didn't get it, I still rode 145 miles in 3 days. I'm pretty proud of myself. Expecially since I hadn't been training as I should have. But this ride became MUCH more about the experience and the bonding that took place between me and my co-workers than it was for the mileage. The last day we all rode together until mile 50 and then 2 of us rode the next 20 together and we all met back up at mile 65.

I can't even begin to put in words what the experience meant to me. It was about raising awareness, bonding, stepping far far FAR outside of my box. It was so much more than a 250 mile ride with my company. And you know what? I can't wait to do it again next year. I will be stronger and happier with myself and I will be making my century.

And here it is about what a day or 2 later? And I feel absolutely fine. I guess I'm not as out of shape as I feel huh?

Anyone up for riding 250 miles over 3 days next year? It's open to EVERYONE with just a minimum fundraising requirement.

It really is the ride of a lifetime. No brag, just fact.

p.s. I'll be posting pics as soon as I get them on cd. be patient it's been a busy few weeks.


Now I'm off to catch another plane to oakland to watch the first wedding in my family in 28 years!! I'll be blogging about that too when I'm there. I'm so excited to see family :)

catch ya later.

day 3

Day 3 was yesterday. I'm a little late on the update because we were up at camp miniblah blah and service was spotty. Literally stand in one spot, on speakerphone with one leg up in the air spotty. And trying to work around charging your cell phone is craziness! They set up a cell phone station and its packed with phones.

You should see it, its hilarios. I learned to travel with my charger because you never know where you will have lunch on this bike tour. It may be on a battleship, just sayin.

But this day didn't start out the best. It poured, like raining pouring (kinda like now). That was immediate grounds for dismissal of 70 miles. Plus!!!! I was hhaving major gastrointestinal issues. TMI ALERT: literally pooing for minutes and everytime I went to the bathroom. Craziness. So after the center visit, (2.6) on the bus I went.

Best. Decision. Ever.

Think what you want, I have my heart set on a century. (If this is a duplicate type post, forgive me because I didn't check to see what I wrote the day before.)

day 2 baby!

It is the morning of day 2 here. But let me give you a litle update of day 1.

70 miles complete baby!

That's right, 70 miles. Let me tell you, michigan by bike is amazing. Its gorgeous out here. I passed a lot of corn fields, apple trees and spinanch fields. There was a point at which I wondered why I was doing what I was doing- that was about mile 60ish. But it was the potholes. There was a horrible road we were on and that's where a lot of riders bit the dust, saw cars speed of the road and just in general lost patients.

I'm not afraid to tell you that hills were walked and curse words were had, but we pushed through and came through that finish line to fellow teammates (employees).

But man I'm tired!! My butt hurts, my knees hurt and to be honest I feel like puking. So while I sit here at the first stop listening to patients say than you, I know that today will probably not be a day that I ride. I'm also contemplating riding my first century tomorrow---100 miles. But in order to even complete tomorrow I have to rest today.

So I'm not ashamed...sag wagon here I come.

um...this is REAL camping

Yo DAVITAAAA!

Uh...it's flipping 55 degrees here at night. Whoever said it "wouldn't be that bad" lied. Big ole fat liar. I mean omg. And I don't camp. My version of camping is going to the comfort inn. Good thing I brought an extra blanket.and socks. And sweats...oh I love sweats.

Note to self: bring heater, power plug and pillow next year

As I sit here listening to the famous kt here at davita. I realize that I'm riding for those patients I take care of on a daily basis in my clinic. You might frustrate me when I try to care for you, but it's still for you.Its about my time with my company supporting past, present and future patients of end stage renal disease.this is for you.

Wheels down at 830am.

So always respect the spirit of the ride. No brag, just facts.

All for one and one for all...

Tour DaVita 2009

It's here!! Tour DaVita 2009. I know I haven't talked about it much but I want to thank each and every person who donated to my ride. Be proud in knowing that you are spreading the awareness of kidney disease.

I have already shipped off Casper and she's waiting for me in Michigan. It's the first time I've ever shipped my bike and it went seemingly smooth. It's about 70 miles a day. yep. Although I havne't been riding as much as I should have, I'm sure that I am going to have a great time. My goal is to compete most of the ride. All I have to do is maintain about 12-13mph over 6-8 hours and I'll be fine.

Basically I'm going to ride around Michigan in a gigantic loop. I'm really excited. Nervous, but really excited. It's like the first thing big thing I've committed too. I do plan to update my blog while I'm out there (I can do that from the blackberry) so feel free to read along! I'll post pics when I get back because I am taking DBF's camera.

So again, thank you for those who financially supported me and my ride. And if you didn't, thank you for your emotional support as I embark on this ride! I'm so excited.

And take care of your kidneys!!!

A little perspective

First off, for whoever reads this blog of mine I wanted to say a quick thank you. I've gotten several supportive emails since this endeavor of mine has started. It's quickly turned healthy lifestyle focused, but more importantly, immensely therapeutic for me to be able to keep an online journal for myself. I think I have literally become my own therapist. Then a quick sorry for neglecting you/myself. BUT, I was in finals mode for the end of the quarter and I'm sure all of you understand that. Between trying to feel better and studying for finals, that took up just about all of my time for the past 2 weeks or so. Thank heavens it's over for right now. And I'll just add that I have officially passed quarter 1 of nursing school. whoo!

But I'll be honest. I am mad. Angry. Furious. And i came here ready to be horribly negative about my progress and just really ready to rip myself a new one. But on that 1 hour ride home, I got a little perspective, which I will get to in a minute. Let me first tell you why I was - still am - upset. This morning I get on the scale...+4. oh oh oh, but the kicker is it was +8 before I showered. WTH? I have been working my food for weeks now. Seriously, it's better than even when I was half-assing what I was doing earlier this year. So for me to get on the scale and see +4??? WHAT?! +1, +2 I can handle, but that was just too much for me knowing that I *am* truly working this system. It pissed me the hell off. And then I got angry at myself for coming back to this dark place. I've talked about it before, but I was HORRIBLY depressed in California (specifically before I met my honey). Like not leave the house, clean the house, mother worried depressed. Never really told anyone, but it was me and my mother's little secret. You know how I got out of it. Sheer will and working out. yep. as lame as it sounds I forced it and then eventually the endorphins kicked in and I started feeling better about myself blah blah....snowball. Bonus = losing 60lbs. I tell you no lie when I say the first time I worked out I was purely intent on relieving stress and getting out of depression.

Somewhere along the lines people noticed the weightloss. Then I noticed. It wasn't until about 45lbs lost that I realized what I had done (meaning lost weight). Don't get me wrong, I weighed monthly and ate right but it just never occurred to me that I'd actually lose weight. It was kinda weird. So fast forward to now. I've gained 45lbs BACK. 40 of it in one year. ONE FLIPPING YEAR. So I'm angry. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point. Angry that I can't seem to get it together and get that scale moving in the right direction. Angry that I lose my patients with myself. Angry that I don't like myself anymore. Angry I don't look at myself in the mirror anymore. Angry that my knees hurt. Pissed off because I let it affect me the way I do.

I'M ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now, I'm probably going to remain angry for a while now. And you know what. That's ok and I'm going to allow myself that anger. What I'm NOT going to do is continue that stupid vicious cycle of getting mad, saying f-it, and eating. No...I'm gonna be pissed off and just keep doing what I'm doing. I swear on all that is holy (which I probably shouldn't do) that I will win this battle one way or another. One way or another. But I know that I'm doing right so my body "should" be responding. So I'm going to be angry, but I'm still keeping to my plan. There was almost a chick-fil-a meal with a oreo cookie milkshake in my hand this afternoon. But eating clearly isn't the solution now is it? I can still be mad and smart. And dammit_that's exactly what I am. Mad and Smart.

So then I'm driving home. Fully intent on yelling and using every explicative mark on myself later tonight. yea. I'm hard on myself, I know. But then I see it. I'm merging onto the freeway coming around the curve and a car 2 cars back to my left on a 2 lane merging curve spins out of control all the way into an oncoming ramp several hundred yards away. It literally spun out of control into the next lane then did a slow spin over a grassy area into another oncoming ramp. Luckily, they came to a stop and no one was hurt.

But that easily could have been me. If I would have slowed down I would have been side swipped easily, lost control of my own car and/or been seriously injured.

Fat or nearly dead. I'll take fat.

It could always be worse and I came uberly close to not having this realization. Hell I could have been that person who lost control. The lord knew what he was doing. Stopped me mid-self wallowing.

I'll continue doing whatever it is I need to do to be successful in my journey. But that doesn't mean I won't get angry and get pissed from time to time. I think as long as I come back to the gameplan within my allotted 24hours I'm allowed a little anger.

Still here!

I'm still here and I haven't forgotten about you guys or anyone else who reads this. I'm still recovering from being sick. I fell MUCH better, but still I feel pretty cruddy. It's all in my head (congestion) and non in my chest so I guess that's good.

I *do* have some thoughts stored up in me that I will get to this weekend. But it's 914pm and I'm already half unconscious.

I'm gonna go nighty night now.

stay well people. because it sucksass.

I'm just THAT lucky

how is it that I manage to get sick.


Again.


2 times sick in 6 weeks. Dude, it's really getting old ya know.




and no. it's not H1N1. I think I had that first, complete with the vomiting. This just seems to be a cold that has knocked me off my feet.

I'm doing ok

Well hello there. It's the holiday weekend! I'm not slack about posting, but I've been a tad bit busy with my social life as of late. No worries, I'm still here.

But first things first. I'm still hittin it on the eating thing *fist pump* I think I'm most proud of going to a tailgate and not eating excessively. Did you hear me? I SAID I WENT TO A TAILGATE AND ATE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON! And I was satisfied. I was pretty happy with how I did that on satuarday. Before I left, I did manage to eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich along with a few pretzels. I did that on purpose because I didn't want to gorge on the unknown food that was going to be at the tailgate. While I was at the tailgate I had 2 chicken finger and small scoop fulls of the various things that were around. Again, did you hear me? I SAID 2 CHICKEN FINGERS!!! *doing happy dance* I was pretty proud of myself to say the least. And get this, I drank water. WATER I SAID! whoo! I'd be lying if I didn't say that I looked at the skinny wives I was with to check out what they were eating and I mimicked them.

I didn't know how else to do it.

But the whole weekend, where I was out of my element i.e. home, I was successful. I can tell you that.

Unfortunetly, the working out didn't really happen this week. I got in one day and that was about it. My goal is 4-5. oh well. No, no oh well. I'm a little disappointed that I didn't at least make a larger effort to get it in, but I DID stay on top of my eating. And that is always a bigger battle. So while I'm disappointed in myself, I'm happy that I didn't say to hell with my eating too. I'll try to do better this week.

And darn it if that scale didn't show a loss or a gain on thursday. WTH? I'm heading into week 4 of doing all things right but most labels and nothing. I've got 2.6 loss to date. I guess that's good right? No, that is good. I need to accept that it is good. But you know when you are working hard and doing "everything" right, you want to see that change. And the fact that I'm still 3.8lbs over my most recent low kinda sucks and still quite honestly makes me cry. That's just being real. Over the last hmmm week or so, I think I've had about 2 breakdowns from realizing what I've done to myself. It's so disheartning. BUT, I'm trying to change my thinking and focus on the positives that I'm doing with my lifestyle. So, I'm eating and doing right and the scale will eventually show right? RIGHT?

I can tell you this though. I feel SOOO much better. I know I've read that sugar is metabolized out of your body within 48 hours. That's a load of crap. I just don't feel better for at least 3-4 days later. I feel like it's after that that my body releases those water molecules that the glucose holds on too. I'm still a long way from being completely detoxed, but I tell you one thing. GOD I feel so much better. And everytime I think I'd be ok and sneak a bit of sugar, I get a horrendous headache and I'm naseous. That'll learn me. But I feel heavy again. I think that's just some of the food I've eaten over the last few days. Although it's been portion control, it's not clean eating like I have been so I'm feeling that heavy feeling.

So this week, I'm going to focus on continuing the food and getting in the activity. I'm even thinking about going back to the old faithful The FIRM for the next 3 months until I start training for the half-marathon. Couldn't hurt right?

Tomorrow isn't promised to you

I just recieved word the other day that a good friend of mine was in an accident with her sister.

Her sister died and she didn't have a scratch.

I don't have the details of what happened, but it really doesn't matter. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone. You never know when the day will come when the Lord will call you up. So this led me to believe that what if tomorrow wasn't promised to me? Death doesn't scare me, but it does make me think every so often. I'm surrounded by it daily since I work in healthcare. Quite honestly it's exhausting.

But everyday, I've got to live my life like it's my last. Choose to be happy. Choose to live. Choose to dream.

I hope I don't leave this earth having the shoulda, woulda, coulda's. It wouldn't be fair to myself. So right now, I'm focused on finding me and unearthing me. This means specifically ridding myself of this weight and the need to feel hidden from life. I'm choosing to live. Because life isn't promised to me tomorrow.

Choose to dream. Then dream big and dream the impossible.

what up yo!

ha. Today was hilarious. I woke up late for class. um yea, I cannot wake up late. I have a 1.5 hour drive away to class. There is no room for late. So I get up throw on my clothes, get my face together and run out the door.

um. I forgot my undies. oopsie

bahwahahahaaahah!

meh. other than that. Life is good. Still feeling strong and continuing to detox from the sugar. I'm feeling so much better. I felt like crud and I feel like my bloatiness (is that even a word?) is going away. THANK THE LORD. I feel big still, but I don't feel ginormous. baby steps right?

I've prepared for the week and the house is ready to go. Here we go people. Gotta get my clothes ready for tomorrow (work and gym) and be ready to go.

Clearly I really had nothing to say, but I wanted to say something and continue to be open. Being open is key.

random.

Don't Stop Believin by Journey

Fitting don't you think. *jumping up and down rocking to Journey*

Still believing

Whooo! You guys, I'm actually doing this. I am rocking my "kitchen". yea, that's what I'm going to start calling eating right. It's clear that I love the activity, but it's the eating that I'm actually doing right. And despite what the left side of my brain says, I AM going to talk about it. It's the only way that I can stay conscious of it.

I am still believing.

I am still believing that I can do this. That I am not destined to be this size. I am an unhealthy person who is truly trying to embrace some healthy habits. And no, I may not be able to eat that piece of cake today because I have a goal. But that doesn't mean that i won't be able to have cake for the rest of my life. Nope, no siree. That's not what this means at all. It just means that I have a goal and sometimes that will mean not eating cake. And I *think* i'm ok with that. Don't get it twisted, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME. But right now, I accept it. But the bottom line is I'm feeling strong and in control. I can feel my body cleansing itself of the sugar - that evil crack cocain addicting substance. And again, this doesn't mean I won't fall of the wagon. I'm not that perfect ;) But it does mean that I understand that if I do, I have to get right back on the horse tomorrow - as hard as it is. I have too. I just refuse to accept that this is my destiny. REFUSE. I wanna get married. I want to have babies. I want to shop in all the stores. Accepting that being fat is ok is not an option. It's hard, but I'm doing it.

I can't tell you how proud of myself I've been over some of the choices that I've made this week. No need to be specific, but I did it. Cake and all ;) Still managing to bust out a loss.

I wonder what I can do by December? Freak that. I wonder what I can do by tomorrow. Sometimes thinking ahead can get you in trouble. But whatever you do, just don't stop believing. (remind me of this when I need it ok?)

back to studying (hence my self induced hiatus - 2nd nursing exam monday {15 chapters baby})

*sigh*

I know it's made in the kitchen. But did I have to have a second piece of cake? Ok third.






Ok 4th.

No joke. I have a lot to learn.

Still believing,
Me

_______ is made in the kitchen

For some reason I have heard this about 34092839483 times this sunday alone. I've been watching tv, of course a lot healthy lifestyle related purely because that's the kind of stuff that I love, but still. Literally 30238403948 times. It's been some variation of:

• ______ is made in the kitchen
• "I realize that most of it is diet"
• high protein, low carb and low to no sugar diet
• 80% diet and 20% exercise

Seriously. Is God trying to give me a sign? I know that for years I have tried to workout myself thin. I know it sounds insane. No wait. It doesn't sound insane. This is what people do all the time. This is what *I* do all the time. I will jump in with both feet working out too hard only to burnout then repeat. All the while I'm only halfass cleaning up my diet.

Well, it seems that this time I *may* be on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm realizing that maybe, just maybe, it *is* the food. Or maybe it's the fact that I've heard it 32843040 million times today. Whatever it is I'm just going to continue to roll with it. Because I don't want anymore rolls. ha! I slay me with my funnies. Anyhow, I've got to cook tomorrow and take care of the scary court issue that I have arising. And I am announcing it now, I will have a piece of cake on tuesday. I'm celebrating my teammates passing of a new state certification. I'm letting all you quiet lurkers know (because I know you are out there) I will not let this one piece of cake derail my plans.But other than that, I will continue making my body in the kitchen. Quite honestly I feel "ok". I don't feel great but I definetly don't feel bad. I feel like I'm actually going through the detox process if that makes any kind of sense.

With dinner done and my popsicle (that I have not lost), sitting next to me. I'm going to end my thoughts and continue being conciously aware that I have to make my new body in the kitchen.

The triathlete complex

You've heard me say it over and over again, I do triathlons.

Swim, bike, and run baby. But I'm starting to truly believe that it gave me a complex. You see my second season in I was psyched. PSYCHED I tell you to get started. I was going to run a half-marathon to kick off my season and get this party started. I mean I was already in my coveted computrainer class to where I tried to work through the throws of being in a class with NO ONE who had a weight problem or looked as though they ever had a weight problem. Ok, I take that back. There was one lady who had mentioned that she, "lost the weight",but I never really talked to her to find out.

March 2009

Anyway, it really started with the half-marathon. I was throughly devasted by my time and how my performance went. It crushed me. I know it shouldn't have and I should have been excited that I actuall completed one but I'm not now and i wasn't then. I think I crossed the line somewhere around 3:15 or so. This is the first time I've ever really admitted that to anyone. My goal was 2:50 - who was I kidding? At my weight? Wait, I can't even say that because the fact that people passed me who looked heavier than I was crushed me during the race. I put on a face that made it seem ok and that everything was fine, but that's where it really started this year. Prior to that I was moving along just fine and still a bit oblivious to what I had done to my body. The fact that I couldn't fit the xl shirt did not help at.all. I don't think I have one race shirt or great technical t-shirt I can fit at all. I kinda suck like that. *tear* I had to go back and face my coach and act like nothing was wrong. I guess I didn't have too - oh geeze - *tears* but I did. I let no one know the extreme devastation I felt and the emotional pain of realizing - hey, you really are a fat girl ya know. I should have never told anyone that I was doing that stupid race. *tears*

From that point on I couldn't do anything but eat. I stayed active, but I tried, ok, I guess I didn't really try, I looked for the easy way out of losing weight - Fresh and Fit. My food was no where near right. I ate what and when I wanted too, I mean I'm already obese right? (yea, saw that on my chart once) But I didn't know how to deal with the pain, I still really don't. You see people say, "yea! I finished my first marathon in 2:20!" That was crushing all over again. Here I am the fat girl doing all of this working out and nothing weight wise is happening - halfway because I was eating. All I knew was that I was keenly aware of my size and what I could and couldn't do. I was surrounded by skinny folks - while they were supportive as ever - but they were how i saw myself when I was aware I wasn't. It gave me a complex. I got tired of see them with no buldges in their cute workout clothes moving at speeds that seemed easy to them. I promise you I tried with every fiber in my being to hang on to the, "but look what you can accomplish" thought. But I just couldn't. I didn't stay. I didn't fight hard enough. I gave up. That was in March.

May 2009

Then in May I decided I had hit rock bottom and enough was enough. I started journaling and trying to do right with food. By July 1 I had lost 10lbs. Not earth shattering, but good. But no. The bouncing back and forth with the lack of a continuous downward movement kinda made me give up again - but not until July when life got busy, I found out I got into nursing school 3 days before it started and I ended my season. But I'd beg to differ. I'll go as far as saying that my rock bottom may have actually been in Greece. Yet again I travelled and I was fatter than before. I didn't mention that my hips barely fit into the airline seat now did I? yea, that was fun. And I'm *this close* from needing a seat belt extension. *tear* How? What? How did I end up here? This never used to be me. My first flight actually had a seat extender already in the seat belt where someone used it in the preivous flight. WHY did I breathe a sigh of relief? I should NEVER have breathed a sigh of relief. Out with gorgeous folks and the biggest one there - refusing to be in pictures. No thanks, I'll be the picture taker. no cute clothes like the other girls. Clothes that were the biggest I had gotten in years. No thanks, bottom was Greece.

Then in August, I just forced myself back into things. If I would have waited on myself I probably wouldn't have gotten back into the swing of things for a while. I mean I'm back in the dark place that I promised I would never get back too. I'm not in there with 2 solid feet, but I definetly am playing hopscotch with the darkside. But I'm happy to say - SO FAR SO GOOD. I'm afraid to even talk about it because I'm afraid it will go away LOL. But that's just silly. I kinda just did it. I prepared on Sunday mostly and when the week came - I was good to go. I kinda honestly felt like I was on automatic pilot. I didn't think to hard about what to eat, I just ate what I cooked or packed for lunch and kept it pushing. I am just way too busy to even think about what to do. And my workout plan, well I got in 5 days this week! (I'm going to go ahead and include tomorrow - satuarday). All without stressing myself out. That's key.

All this racing, all this training, all this healthy stuff to whom I felt like I had no true outlet broke my spirit. Yea I race, I am capable for racing for 2-3 hours at a time. yes I can, but it hurts. And quite frankly, I'm tired of shit hurting. I want to be light, fast and feel the wind under MY feet when I run. I'm not there. I'm not anywhere near there. But I'm working on it. I swear on everything that is dear to me, I'm working on it.

p.s. I found the popsicle, it was under some papers on my couch. now to find me again...

I lost my popsicle

No seriously. I *lost* my popsicle. How do you lose a popsicle? I was coming to bed to get ready to blog. I thought I put it on the bed so that it would melt a little (I don't like hard ice cream, I like it slightly melted), I went to move it out of my way so I wouldn't lay on it and wth? It's not there. I search the bed, the couch, mantle, any place I can put it and nothing. Sooooo, I go get another one. But I'm so going to find a melted popsicle in it's wrapper one day. And I hope to god it's hasn't leaked out; because of course I like the grape kind. GRAPE.

And just for the record, they are nutritionally friendly popsicles.

I stepped on the scale today - no surprise, I do this every Thursday. GAIN. Story of my life. I'm chalking it up to PMS and 1 salty food choice. Tuesday I showed a loss.

But on the upside, I am now ending my first week of being back in control of my like nutritionally. And it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be to get back on track. It was monday and then before you knew it, tomorrow is friday. When I think about it, I'm even impressed with how I kinda just did it. DIdn't dread it, didn't try to find a loophole, just did it. And the slammin thing is that I have food to head into Satuarday with. WHoo! That will save me a day right there. I have a small goal. I want to eat at home until my honey's first game, Sept 5th. At which time we will meet after the game for dinner as usual at O'charley's where I battle the bread but have the salad with ease. Have you ever had the california chicken salad there??? It's to die for. I wouldn't lie to you man. It's my most favorite kind of salad.

I'll let you know about the workout outcome on Sunday or Monday. Just taking things day by day and hour by hour. ok not really. Just day by day for now.

This was so random. If you were hoping for some insightful post today, my apologies. My missing popsicle stole my thunder.

*yawn*

I should totally be studying for...you know...the N word...but whatever.

I.am.so.flipping.exhausted. I mean who knew working out and going to bed late (1130pm) would cause so much problems. Like I could lay right here and not move until tomorrow morning because i"m so tired. But I'm trying to be a big girl and a. take 15 min to pick up the house at night and b. take time to plan out some lunch and lay out my clothes. Clearly you guys see that by doing this I can sleep in later right. I mean really, we all know this is why we do this crap.

But anyway, I'm working it people. My new plan. I'm not going to quite reveal it yet, but it's day what? 3 (yea I had a minor relapse when I orginally posted that I was going to restart). I told someone some wise words - because I'm wise ya know - I said, "we can slack off [re: going to the gym] because we've been doing that all our lives." DING DING DING! light bulb. And then I saw that one of my never-been-fat-before-skinny-friends-who-eats-like-a-vaccum-who-is-trying-to-take-a-healthier-approach was and has been going to the gym. Why?? Purely just to be fit. UH HELLLLOOOOO? Who knew skinny people go to the gym just to stay fit. I mean yea, I knew, you knew...but who really knew? So, since my new plan really doesn't allow for me to "skip" workouts. I mean leave it to me to make it foolishly-skip-proof. grrreeeaaat. oh wait focus, since I made my new routine skip proof, there really is no reason for me to actually miss it. Great going me. Clearly I'm too smart for myself. i should have made a loophole or something.

wait. did you guys see this?

awesome ad peta. yea. that really makes me want to donate money and defend you when you're stupid. oh. and CLEARLY this makes me want to go Vegetarian.

side note: I broke my freaking frackin camera. somehow I managed to crush the digital screen.

it's little things like this why I'm happy I don't enjoy wine.

Bleh

I'm having sugar withdrawals. I have a headache and just in general feeling crappy.

meh.

I just want to go to sleep. but it's 623pm. *le sigh*

that's all i got. I told you I was working the plan, this is part of the process.

It's called motivation...BS!

People talk about motivation like it's some magical potion that is bottled up, crushed, and bought at the store when we run out. Let's be real. Motivation is total bs. yea, that's right. I said it. MOTIVATION IS BULLSHIT.

Motivation is not all sunshine and rainbow enemas. And if it is, clearly I haven't seen it nor have I had one. If you truly believe that motivation is gonna keep you on the straight and narrow, you are kidding yourself. WAKE UP!!!! I will acknowledge that it is one of those lovely triggers that may get us jump started onto what ever journey it is that we have to take, but it is not the thing that keeps us there. All that crap like willpower and such - total weighloss mindset bs. I vow to say that it's qualities such as:

• determination
• consistency
• consistency
• consistency

These are the things that get us to our goals; and sometimes that's all we have to hang on too. Motivation could be my unborn children, but sometimes that's not even enough to keep us going. That's a horrible thought, thing to say and horrible thing to type, but sometimes consistency will get us back to where our eyes our open and we see our motivation again. And let's just be real with it. I wanna see some results baby!!! Numbers!! Size Changing!! Something!!

I have sooooooo many reasons I want to be healthy. Rather...I *need* to be healthy. But it makes no matter of listing them here (and they aren't ALL shallow) because if I'm not consistent, then well we can throw this to the birds right? One of the reasons is like this chick I read on the fitness magazine website. She is me. I am she. Read her story. It's much like my line of thinking right now. I've got a whole new plan, whole new foods, whole new system I'm working it...

Chemicals schmeicals...

what has it been? 5 weeks? I'm usually on top of this blogging thing. But lately I've been falling asleep and well - there goes blogging for the day. oopsie.

yummm...I like food. Lately I've been trying to figure out the why of why I stuff my face right? well, you know all this research has been coming out saying that sugar is addictive like crack cocaine etc. (Here's the article my trainer just gave me)Well, I'm going to have to agree; but at the same time, I think that more often times then not I LIKE the food. I actually WANT the food, rather than having the chemical imbalance in my brain dictate blah blah blah...F-that. Sometimes I just WANT the food point blank. You ever see something that *looks* yummy. Not even smelling it or anything. Just the fact that it looks yummy. Or the memory of a good, yummy experience creeps back up in your mind related to one of those foods - it makes you want it right. That's not a chemical imbalance, that the pure art of wanting.

Right now, my current habits reflect this pyramid flipped upside down:

and for the record, I was doing great with forcing myself back into action. Unfortunetly, it seems as though I do great, but there's one meal where I kinda lose it. But the good thing is I'm jumping back on the band wagon immediately after. Sheesh...I'm gonna get this right? (In my mind that was a total negative thought saying, "i'm never going to get this") gotta love that perpetual negative self talk *sigh* That's another blog though.

What is it? Why is it?

That's the question that I've recently been asking myself on a daily, maybe even hourly, basis as of late. What is it? Why is it? Why is it that I continue on this cyclical path? Why is it that I continue to eat what I do? What is it that is truly bothering me that I continue to eat? For years you've always heard that the eating and the weight is psychological. I'll venture to say that this is the first time I'm actually starting to accept that theory. Speaking for myself, I've always said that it's not psychological, hell I just love to eat. But no. That's just not it anymore. I mean I love to eat, yes. But I also love to eat the healthy food. If I had my choice, I would eat the healthier foods like what I had tonight: brown rice, cabbage and chicken breast - as simple as it sounds it's one of my most favorite meals. (my other favorite is sweet potato plain, cabbage and salmon - YUM).

I know that I don't feel good when I eat the processed foods. Now do I believe there are some technical issue like a lack of portion control that contribute to my inability to grasp the whole weightloss journey - of course. But it's the WHY that I haven't seem to got. And this time around, I just refuse not to know why. I mean I could mask it and focus hard enough and lose the weight like I did the first time; but, that would just be masking the situation right? Then in 3 years I'd be back in this same position. lame.

Well I'm sorry, I refuse to go down like that. I ain't doin this crap again. period.

So ask yourself if you are going around in a circle - WHY are you doing that? It may not even be with weightloss. It could be with men or your job or whatever. Thus, in the meantime I'm going to keep probing and brainstorming aloud. I mean, I'll hit the nail on the head one day right? As long as I continue to think about why I do what I do as I make forward movement, I'm bound to be successful. Hell, I deserve better. My unborn children deserve better. I flat out refuse to be the unhealthy mommy. RE.FUSE.

We have to learn the Why's people. It's just not enough to solve the problem anymore. We are way to complicated just to throw a bandaid over the issue.

What's your why?

I wanna be like her!

and everything that that comment implies...

Be like the duck

Be like the duck, be like the duck, be like the duck *repeat*

Let it roll off your back. I learned that once, it now seems appropriate once again. I'm totally forcing myself into day 1 of getting it back together on the healthy lifestyle train (not that I ever left it because it's secretly always in the back of my mind). I'm not ready, but if I continue on at the rate that I am I'll be disgusted with myself within a weeks time and out of my clothes in 2 months tops. And I have a wedding and a football game to make an appearance at; 5 weeks for one and 7 weeks for the other. Not that I'm putting time limits on myself, but I'd at least like to feel 10 knotches better about myself. Just sayin...

So there you have it. I'm forcing myself into the action stage. I have to - I can continue to recycle back into the preparation/contemplation phase if necessary as long as I continue to move forward in the action phase. For all you people who are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, let me impart a little knowledge on you:

There are stages of change:

-----Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)
-----Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)
-----Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)
-----Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)
-----Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
------Relapse/Recycle (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes

So I'm basically just forcing myself into the action stage. For the last week or so I've been recycling between contemplation and preparation. I haven't quite completed the preparation stage, but I'm willing to just push past it in order to get the ball moving on this sucker. I'll continue trying to understand who I am and why I'm in this situation, but in the mean time. It's day 1.

let's get this party started

She's getting way too close.

Have you heard of her? Ruby?

She's the big lady in the middle. *And for the record, I myself hate being called *big girl* HATE*

Well, Ruby is a reality tv show person that is on this journey to lose weight. How much? We don't know. But enough so that she can where normal size clothing and lead a normal life. She was once mroe than 700 lbs but she's now somewhere around 338. She's lost all the weight the old fashion way of hard work and dieting. So why am I posting about her?

She makes me nervous. I hate that that woman is so close to my own personal weight. I mean she's not close close, but she's close enough ya know? Heaven forbid that she keep dropping weight at the rate she does, she'll be my weight before you know it! And that, makes me nervous. I don't like looking at her and then thinking that's where I am or "do I look like that?" I don't like it at all. For the record, I don't. Clearly, I mean it's all in the blog and such but that number. THAT FLIPPING NUMBER. I have nothing against the woman, as I actually watch the show. I mean I could do without all the singing of the words and the southern drawl, but it is actually a good show with a concept. But her NUMBER is getting too close for comfort to my number.

I did it though. It's clear that I don't know what I need, but I need to do something. Bare with me people...I'm in the contemplation stage - I'm trying to figure out how to tackle this beast *again* without stressing myself out. It seems this go around I'm more worried about stressing myself out with trying to "fit in" the workout than anything. Be patient with me, I'll find my motivation again. In the meantime I need to stop eating completely. Otherwise my clothing is going to rebel even more so. And after a full month of inactivity in July - I seem to have lost my way and my motivation.

Drake "Successful" Instrumental With Hook

I just wanna be successful

Nursing...mostly all of you know that that is what is occupying my time as of late. So we just had our first exam - to which i PASSED thankyouverymuch - but studying had my a bit conflicted and practicing nursing assessments on myself. me no likey.

It was the self-esteem chapter. It just *had* to be that chapter of all chapters right. It also talked about have a postive self-concept, self-awareness, and body image. All of these words kind of had my writhing in my seat a bit.

It may sound silly, but I'm taking this whole "live the healthy lifestyle" thing very very seriously. Don't you just hate when a fat doctor walks into the room and tells you to lose weight? Well this is exactly the same thing that I think about. How can a fat nurse walk into the room and tell you to live a healthy lifestyle when you've just had a heartattack? I mean I know how I would react - I'd be like, "hmmmm, yea....she's definetly not walking the talk". I'm ALL about walking the talk, and it annoys me to no end that I'm not what I am in my head. I don't look like the athelete I feel like on some days. Lately, I'm beginning to think mentally I am not the athelete that I think I am. This crap takes work - but the question is do I have it in me to actually complete the job?

I've been heavy my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. And let me tell you, it sucks to no end. *tear* I mean some may be ok with living an unhealthy lifestyle and being overweight. But not me. It bothers me, to the point where sometimes it consumes me and I have breakdowns over it. Lately I've been having at least 2 breakdowns a month since May, even though I've lost 10lbs. You don't get it, I NEVER thought of myself as pretty until I started working in the nursing home. I'd go around and visit those families and all those little old men and women use to say, "child, you are so pretty." or "you have such a sweet spirit"

*turning and looking over shoulder* who? me?

I promise you. I never did. Those older folks are when I started to realize my potential physically. I thought, well hey, I'm not half bad. I never was boy crazy so boyfriendsssss - plural - wasn't really an issue. Although, I do remember hearing it from them. I also remember rumaging through a certain boyfriends things as young girls do and found a letter he had written to another girl saying, "...I hope she doesn't end up fat like her mother..." or something to that effect. we lost touch after that. 10 cool points for me, -347923472983749832 for him. Then I went to college. Nope...didn't really start having fun until I pledged ;) Pledging in and of itself kind of sucks ass but it was an experience I wouldn't change. But while I was on line with my line sisters, we would always hear, "they are such a pretty line" all the time. anytime someone came to visit this was pointed out. That's when I embraced it. hey, I AM pretty, and not just because mom says so. :)

Then I grew up a bit more and my weight began to bother me even more. The more active I became or wanted to become the more it loomed over my head. Then I met him, the man I knew I was going to marry. For the life of me I couldn't understand how he could love me so much - 3000 miles away mind you- and I didn't love myself nearly 1/2 as much as he did. I promptly lost 60lbs and felt GREAT about myself. But then life happened, I got my Masters, began managing not 1 but 2 buildings, decided to move, my mother lost her job on multiple occassions blah blah blah yakkity smakkity. And here I sit...having regained every bit of the 60lbs I lost.

And now I do triathlons. I still can't call myself that triathlete yet. I do races. period.

One thing I grapple with is, "why, do I continue to be cyclical with my weight?" It is the one area in my life that I am not successful in nor have I completed. Is it because it's pure work and I'm not up for that? Is it because I just love food? Is it because I don't think of myself worthy? I'm even angry I wrote that last statement. I deserve better dammit. I deserve to be happy with my weight, but that doesn't mean I have to accept what it is at this time. Why am I emotional?


Whatever it is, I've got to figure out what it is and why I'm not what I am in my head. I'm an overachiever and I just flat out refuse to let this win. But I'm just not quite sure what to do/try/talk to/head next. Why can't I accept that this is hard and I just have to do the work - no matter what the work is?

I wanna go back...

to quote drake, "I just want to be successful..."

Ending my 2009 Racing Season

So the time has come. I think I'm ready to finally admit it.

I am, with hesitation, ending my 2009 triathlon racing season

There, I said it. I have to re-align my priorities and it goes a little something like this:

1. Me - mental self, relationship


2. Nursing School


3. Triathlons

As simple as that bolded statement may sound, I really had trouble admitting that to myself and then putting it out there. Racing has become a part of what I do and to just turn it down was difficult for me to wrap my mind around. And right now, #3 was stressing me out instead of de-stressing me. Trying to fit everything in at the height of the season was literally making me lose my mind. I felt like I was letting everyone down when I couldn't fit in all of the actual workouts; at the height of the season, the workouts were more than 1 hour in length. I felt like I was letting myself down. Why is it that one simple missed workout can cause such mental anguish? Even as I type this I am completely hesistant.

*disclaimer - this is not me*

So because of the fact that I'm having such a hard time establishing a routine (although I think i have one now, until September) I have just decided to forgo the rest of the season and focus on 1, 2 and the imaginary #4 (weight loss). #2 is a lot of work and you know I've been given this opportunity, while still maintining my wonderful full-time job, so I am going to take advantage of it. I have to make sure I do well and pass these classes because one non-passed class is a dismissal from the program and we just can't have that. But, Let's be real...that #4 consumes my life. Actually, at the peak of the racing season it is TOUGH to try to drop weight. You'll here triathletes say that your body rebels or actually gains weight when you are exerecising 8+ hours a week - and you know what, it's true. Our bodies are completely weird things.


As a result of my hectic 2009, I've decided to scale back down and focus on being lighter for next season and actually start the conditioning training for the half-marathons that I want to run in Feb and March. I do not want hurt like I did last time. Or as my honey would say, try to make it a Trina stride this year instead of a Trina trot.Truth be told, I love the training more than the racing anyway - racing is hard. Hard mentally (I can handle that) but hard PHYSICALLY. It's the consistent workout that's goal oriented is what I love. The racing...meh. not so much. And as I continue to figure myself out, I do believe that previous statement is purely due to the extra weight. So now I just want to focus on me and school. Maybe if I do right by my run in my "off season" I can be in the middle of the pack next season.

Now, I will still be doing the Tour Davita(monetary commitment) and the tri in October (unknown schedule) is not completely out of the question...so just stay tuned...