what up yo!

ha. Today was hilarious. I woke up late for class. um yea, I cannot wake up late. I have a 1.5 hour drive away to class. There is no room for late. So I get up throw on my clothes, get my face together and run out the door.

um. I forgot my undies. oopsie

bahwahahahaaahah!

meh. other than that. Life is good. Still feeling strong and continuing to detox from the sugar. I'm feeling so much better. I felt like crud and I feel like my bloatiness (is that even a word?) is going away. THANK THE LORD. I feel big still, but I don't feel ginormous. baby steps right?

I've prepared for the week and the house is ready to go. Here we go people. Gotta get my clothes ready for tomorrow (work and gym) and be ready to go.

Clearly I really had nothing to say, but I wanted to say something and continue to be open. Being open is key.

random.

Don't Stop Believin by Journey

Fitting don't you think. *jumping up and down rocking to Journey*

Still believing

Whooo! You guys, I'm actually doing this. I am rocking my "kitchen". yea, that's what I'm going to start calling eating right. It's clear that I love the activity, but it's the eating that I'm actually doing right. And despite what the left side of my brain says, I AM going to talk about it. It's the only way that I can stay conscious of it.

I am still believing.

I am still believing that I can do this. That I am not destined to be this size. I am an unhealthy person who is truly trying to embrace some healthy habits. And no, I may not be able to eat that piece of cake today because I have a goal. But that doesn't mean that i won't be able to have cake for the rest of my life. Nope, no siree. That's not what this means at all. It just means that I have a goal and sometimes that will mean not eating cake. And I *think* i'm ok with that. Don't get it twisted, I WILL NOT BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS ALL THE TIME. But right now, I accept it. But the bottom line is I'm feeling strong and in control. I can feel my body cleansing itself of the sugar - that evil crack cocain addicting substance. And again, this doesn't mean I won't fall of the wagon. I'm not that perfect ;) But it does mean that I understand that if I do, I have to get right back on the horse tomorrow - as hard as it is. I have too. I just refuse to accept that this is my destiny. REFUSE. I wanna get married. I want to have babies. I want to shop in all the stores. Accepting that being fat is ok is not an option. It's hard, but I'm doing it.

I can't tell you how proud of myself I've been over some of the choices that I've made this week. No need to be specific, but I did it. Cake and all ;) Still managing to bust out a loss.

I wonder what I can do by December? Freak that. I wonder what I can do by tomorrow. Sometimes thinking ahead can get you in trouble. But whatever you do, just don't stop believing. (remind me of this when I need it ok?)

back to studying (hence my self induced hiatus - 2nd nursing exam monday {15 chapters baby})

*sigh*

I know it's made in the kitchen. But did I have to have a second piece of cake? Ok third.






Ok 4th.

No joke. I have a lot to learn.

Still believing,
Me

_______ is made in the kitchen

For some reason I have heard this about 34092839483 times this sunday alone. I've been watching tv, of course a lot healthy lifestyle related purely because that's the kind of stuff that I love, but still. Literally 30238403948 times. It's been some variation of:

• ______ is made in the kitchen
• "I realize that most of it is diet"
• high protein, low carb and low to no sugar diet
• 80% diet and 20% exercise

Seriously. Is God trying to give me a sign? I know that for years I have tried to workout myself thin. I know it sounds insane. No wait. It doesn't sound insane. This is what people do all the time. This is what *I* do all the time. I will jump in with both feet working out too hard only to burnout then repeat. All the while I'm only halfass cleaning up my diet.

Well, it seems that this time I *may* be on the verge of a breakthrough. I'm realizing that maybe, just maybe, it *is* the food. Or maybe it's the fact that I've heard it 32843040 million times today. Whatever it is I'm just going to continue to roll with it. Because I don't want anymore rolls. ha! I slay me with my funnies. Anyhow, I've got to cook tomorrow and take care of the scary court issue that I have arising. And I am announcing it now, I will have a piece of cake on tuesday. I'm celebrating my teammates passing of a new state certification. I'm letting all you quiet lurkers know (because I know you are out there) I will not let this one piece of cake derail my plans.But other than that, I will continue making my body in the kitchen. Quite honestly I feel "ok". I don't feel great but I definetly don't feel bad. I feel like I'm actually going through the detox process if that makes any kind of sense.

With dinner done and my popsicle (that I have not lost), sitting next to me. I'm going to end my thoughts and continue being conciously aware that I have to make my new body in the kitchen.

The triathlete complex

You've heard me say it over and over again, I do triathlons.

Swim, bike, and run baby. But I'm starting to truly believe that it gave me a complex. You see my second season in I was psyched. PSYCHED I tell you to get started. I was going to run a half-marathon to kick off my season and get this party started. I mean I was already in my coveted computrainer class to where I tried to work through the throws of being in a class with NO ONE who had a weight problem or looked as though they ever had a weight problem. Ok, I take that back. There was one lady who had mentioned that she, "lost the weight",but I never really talked to her to find out.

March 2009

Anyway, it really started with the half-marathon. I was throughly devasted by my time and how my performance went. It crushed me. I know it shouldn't have and I should have been excited that I actuall completed one but I'm not now and i wasn't then. I think I crossed the line somewhere around 3:15 or so. This is the first time I've ever really admitted that to anyone. My goal was 2:50 - who was I kidding? At my weight? Wait, I can't even say that because the fact that people passed me who looked heavier than I was crushed me during the race. I put on a face that made it seem ok and that everything was fine, but that's where it really started this year. Prior to that I was moving along just fine and still a bit oblivious to what I had done to my body. The fact that I couldn't fit the xl shirt did not help at.all. I don't think I have one race shirt or great technical t-shirt I can fit at all. I kinda suck like that. *tear* I had to go back and face my coach and act like nothing was wrong. I guess I didn't have too - oh geeze - *tears* but I did. I let no one know the extreme devastation I felt and the emotional pain of realizing - hey, you really are a fat girl ya know. I should have never told anyone that I was doing that stupid race. *tears*

From that point on I couldn't do anything but eat. I stayed active, but I tried, ok, I guess I didn't really try, I looked for the easy way out of losing weight - Fresh and Fit. My food was no where near right. I ate what and when I wanted too, I mean I'm already obese right? (yea, saw that on my chart once) But I didn't know how to deal with the pain, I still really don't. You see people say, "yea! I finished my first marathon in 2:20!" That was crushing all over again. Here I am the fat girl doing all of this working out and nothing weight wise is happening - halfway because I was eating. All I knew was that I was keenly aware of my size and what I could and couldn't do. I was surrounded by skinny folks - while they were supportive as ever - but they were how i saw myself when I was aware I wasn't. It gave me a complex. I got tired of see them with no buldges in their cute workout clothes moving at speeds that seemed easy to them. I promise you I tried with every fiber in my being to hang on to the, "but look what you can accomplish" thought. But I just couldn't. I didn't stay. I didn't fight hard enough. I gave up. That was in March.

May 2009

Then in May I decided I had hit rock bottom and enough was enough. I started journaling and trying to do right with food. By July 1 I had lost 10lbs. Not earth shattering, but good. But no. The bouncing back and forth with the lack of a continuous downward movement kinda made me give up again - but not until July when life got busy, I found out I got into nursing school 3 days before it started and I ended my season. But I'd beg to differ. I'll go as far as saying that my rock bottom may have actually been in Greece. Yet again I travelled and I was fatter than before. I didn't mention that my hips barely fit into the airline seat now did I? yea, that was fun. And I'm *this close* from needing a seat belt extension. *tear* How? What? How did I end up here? This never used to be me. My first flight actually had a seat extender already in the seat belt where someone used it in the preivous flight. WHY did I breathe a sigh of relief? I should NEVER have breathed a sigh of relief. Out with gorgeous folks and the biggest one there - refusing to be in pictures. No thanks, I'll be the picture taker. no cute clothes like the other girls. Clothes that were the biggest I had gotten in years. No thanks, bottom was Greece.

Then in August, I just forced myself back into things. If I would have waited on myself I probably wouldn't have gotten back into the swing of things for a while. I mean I'm back in the dark place that I promised I would never get back too. I'm not in there with 2 solid feet, but I definetly am playing hopscotch with the darkside. But I'm happy to say - SO FAR SO GOOD. I'm afraid to even talk about it because I'm afraid it will go away LOL. But that's just silly. I kinda just did it. I prepared on Sunday mostly and when the week came - I was good to go. I kinda honestly felt like I was on automatic pilot. I didn't think to hard about what to eat, I just ate what I cooked or packed for lunch and kept it pushing. I am just way too busy to even think about what to do. And my workout plan, well I got in 5 days this week! (I'm going to go ahead and include tomorrow - satuarday). All without stressing myself out. That's key.

All this racing, all this training, all this healthy stuff to whom I felt like I had no true outlet broke my spirit. Yea I race, I am capable for racing for 2-3 hours at a time. yes I can, but it hurts. And quite frankly, I'm tired of shit hurting. I want to be light, fast and feel the wind under MY feet when I run. I'm not there. I'm not anywhere near there. But I'm working on it. I swear on everything that is dear to me, I'm working on it.

p.s. I found the popsicle, it was under some papers on my couch. now to find me again...

I lost my popsicle

No seriously. I *lost* my popsicle. How do you lose a popsicle? I was coming to bed to get ready to blog. I thought I put it on the bed so that it would melt a little (I don't like hard ice cream, I like it slightly melted), I went to move it out of my way so I wouldn't lay on it and wth? It's not there. I search the bed, the couch, mantle, any place I can put it and nothing. Sooooo, I go get another one. But I'm so going to find a melted popsicle in it's wrapper one day. And I hope to god it's hasn't leaked out; because of course I like the grape kind. GRAPE.

And just for the record, they are nutritionally friendly popsicles.

I stepped on the scale today - no surprise, I do this every Thursday. GAIN. Story of my life. I'm chalking it up to PMS and 1 salty food choice. Tuesday I showed a loss.

But on the upside, I am now ending my first week of being back in control of my like nutritionally. And it wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be to get back on track. It was monday and then before you knew it, tomorrow is friday. When I think about it, I'm even impressed with how I kinda just did it. DIdn't dread it, didn't try to find a loophole, just did it. And the slammin thing is that I have food to head into Satuarday with. WHoo! That will save me a day right there. I have a small goal. I want to eat at home until my honey's first game, Sept 5th. At which time we will meet after the game for dinner as usual at O'charley's where I battle the bread but have the salad with ease. Have you ever had the california chicken salad there??? It's to die for. I wouldn't lie to you man. It's my most favorite kind of salad.

I'll let you know about the workout outcome on Sunday or Monday. Just taking things day by day and hour by hour. ok not really. Just day by day for now.

This was so random. If you were hoping for some insightful post today, my apologies. My missing popsicle stole my thunder.

*yawn*

I should totally be studying for...you know...the N word...but whatever.

I.am.so.flipping.exhausted. I mean who knew working out and going to bed late (1130pm) would cause so much problems. Like I could lay right here and not move until tomorrow morning because i"m so tired. But I'm trying to be a big girl and a. take 15 min to pick up the house at night and b. take time to plan out some lunch and lay out my clothes. Clearly you guys see that by doing this I can sleep in later right. I mean really, we all know this is why we do this crap.

But anyway, I'm working it people. My new plan. I'm not going to quite reveal it yet, but it's day what? 3 (yea I had a minor relapse when I orginally posted that I was going to restart). I told someone some wise words - because I'm wise ya know - I said, "we can slack off [re: going to the gym] because we've been doing that all our lives." DING DING DING! light bulb. And then I saw that one of my never-been-fat-before-skinny-friends-who-eats-like-a-vaccum-who-is-trying-to-take-a-healthier-approach was and has been going to the gym. Why?? Purely just to be fit. UH HELLLLOOOOO? Who knew skinny people go to the gym just to stay fit. I mean yea, I knew, you knew...but who really knew? So, since my new plan really doesn't allow for me to "skip" workouts. I mean leave it to me to make it foolishly-skip-proof. grrreeeaaat. oh wait focus, since I made my new routine skip proof, there really is no reason for me to actually miss it. Great going me. Clearly I'm too smart for myself. i should have made a loophole or something.

wait. did you guys see this?

awesome ad peta. yea. that really makes me want to donate money and defend you when you're stupid. oh. and CLEARLY this makes me want to go Vegetarian.

side note: I broke my freaking frackin camera. somehow I managed to crush the digital screen.

it's little things like this why I'm happy I don't enjoy wine.

Bleh

I'm having sugar withdrawals. I have a headache and just in general feeling crappy.

meh.

I just want to go to sleep. but it's 623pm. *le sigh*

that's all i got. I told you I was working the plan, this is part of the process.

It's called motivation...BS!

People talk about motivation like it's some magical potion that is bottled up, crushed, and bought at the store when we run out. Let's be real. Motivation is total bs. yea, that's right. I said it. MOTIVATION IS BULLSHIT.

Motivation is not all sunshine and rainbow enemas. And if it is, clearly I haven't seen it nor have I had one. If you truly believe that motivation is gonna keep you on the straight and narrow, you are kidding yourself. WAKE UP!!!! I will acknowledge that it is one of those lovely triggers that may get us jump started onto what ever journey it is that we have to take, but it is not the thing that keeps us there. All that crap like willpower and such - total weighloss mindset bs. I vow to say that it's qualities such as:

• determination
• consistency
• consistency
• consistency

These are the things that get us to our goals; and sometimes that's all we have to hang on too. Motivation could be my unborn children, but sometimes that's not even enough to keep us going. That's a horrible thought, thing to say and horrible thing to type, but sometimes consistency will get us back to where our eyes our open and we see our motivation again. And let's just be real with it. I wanna see some results baby!!! Numbers!! Size Changing!! Something!!

I have sooooooo many reasons I want to be healthy. Rather...I *need* to be healthy. But it makes no matter of listing them here (and they aren't ALL shallow) because if I'm not consistent, then well we can throw this to the birds right? One of the reasons is like this chick I read on the fitness magazine website. She is me. I am she. Read her story. It's much like my line of thinking right now. I've got a whole new plan, whole new foods, whole new system I'm working it...

Chemicals schmeicals...

what has it been? 5 weeks? I'm usually on top of this blogging thing. But lately I've been falling asleep and well - there goes blogging for the day. oopsie.

yummm...I like food. Lately I've been trying to figure out the why of why I stuff my face right? well, you know all this research has been coming out saying that sugar is addictive like crack cocaine etc. (Here's the article my trainer just gave me)Well, I'm going to have to agree; but at the same time, I think that more often times then not I LIKE the food. I actually WANT the food, rather than having the chemical imbalance in my brain dictate blah blah blah...F-that. Sometimes I just WANT the food point blank. You ever see something that *looks* yummy. Not even smelling it or anything. Just the fact that it looks yummy. Or the memory of a good, yummy experience creeps back up in your mind related to one of those foods - it makes you want it right. That's not a chemical imbalance, that the pure art of wanting.

Right now, my current habits reflect this pyramid flipped upside down:

and for the record, I was doing great with forcing myself back into action. Unfortunetly, it seems as though I do great, but there's one meal where I kinda lose it. But the good thing is I'm jumping back on the band wagon immediately after. Sheesh...I'm gonna get this right? (In my mind that was a total negative thought saying, "i'm never going to get this") gotta love that perpetual negative self talk *sigh* That's another blog though.

What is it? Why is it?

That's the question that I've recently been asking myself on a daily, maybe even hourly, basis as of late. What is it? Why is it? Why is it that I continue on this cyclical path? Why is it that I continue to eat what I do? What is it that is truly bothering me that I continue to eat? For years you've always heard that the eating and the weight is psychological. I'll venture to say that this is the first time I'm actually starting to accept that theory. Speaking for myself, I've always said that it's not psychological, hell I just love to eat. But no. That's just not it anymore. I mean I love to eat, yes. But I also love to eat the healthy food. If I had my choice, I would eat the healthier foods like what I had tonight: brown rice, cabbage and chicken breast - as simple as it sounds it's one of my most favorite meals. (my other favorite is sweet potato plain, cabbage and salmon - YUM).

I know that I don't feel good when I eat the processed foods. Now do I believe there are some technical issue like a lack of portion control that contribute to my inability to grasp the whole weightloss journey - of course. But it's the WHY that I haven't seem to got. And this time around, I just refuse not to know why. I mean I could mask it and focus hard enough and lose the weight like I did the first time; but, that would just be masking the situation right? Then in 3 years I'd be back in this same position. lame.

Well I'm sorry, I refuse to go down like that. I ain't doin this crap again. period.

So ask yourself if you are going around in a circle - WHY are you doing that? It may not even be with weightloss. It could be with men or your job or whatever. Thus, in the meantime I'm going to keep probing and brainstorming aloud. I mean, I'll hit the nail on the head one day right? As long as I continue to think about why I do what I do as I make forward movement, I'm bound to be successful. Hell, I deserve better. My unborn children deserve better. I flat out refuse to be the unhealthy mommy. RE.FUSE.

We have to learn the Why's people. It's just not enough to solve the problem anymore. We are way to complicated just to throw a bandaid over the issue.

What's your why?

I wanna be like her!

and everything that that comment implies...

Be like the duck

Be like the duck, be like the duck, be like the duck *repeat*

Let it roll off your back. I learned that once, it now seems appropriate once again. I'm totally forcing myself into day 1 of getting it back together on the healthy lifestyle train (not that I ever left it because it's secretly always in the back of my mind). I'm not ready, but if I continue on at the rate that I am I'll be disgusted with myself within a weeks time and out of my clothes in 2 months tops. And I have a wedding and a football game to make an appearance at; 5 weeks for one and 7 weeks for the other. Not that I'm putting time limits on myself, but I'd at least like to feel 10 knotches better about myself. Just sayin...

So there you have it. I'm forcing myself into the action stage. I have to - I can continue to recycle back into the preparation/contemplation phase if necessary as long as I continue to move forward in the action phase. For all you people who are wondering what the hell I'm talking about, let me impart a little knowledge on you:

There are stages of change:

-----Precontemplation (Not yet acknowledging that there is a problem behavior that needs to be changed)
-----Contemplation (Acknowledging that there is a problem but not yet ready or sure of wanting to make a change)
-----Preparation/Determination (Getting ready to change)
-----Action/Willpower (Changing behavior)
-----Maintenance (Maintaining the behavior change) and
------Relapse/Recycle (Returning to older behaviors and abandoning the new changes

So I'm basically just forcing myself into the action stage. For the last week or so I've been recycling between contemplation and preparation. I haven't quite completed the preparation stage, but I'm willing to just push past it in order to get the ball moving on this sucker. I'll continue trying to understand who I am and why I'm in this situation, but in the mean time. It's day 1.

let's get this party started

She's getting way too close.

Have you heard of her? Ruby?

She's the big lady in the middle. *And for the record, I myself hate being called *big girl* HATE*

Well, Ruby is a reality tv show person that is on this journey to lose weight. How much? We don't know. But enough so that she can where normal size clothing and lead a normal life. She was once mroe than 700 lbs but she's now somewhere around 338. She's lost all the weight the old fashion way of hard work and dieting. So why am I posting about her?

She makes me nervous. I hate that that woman is so close to my own personal weight. I mean she's not close close, but she's close enough ya know? Heaven forbid that she keep dropping weight at the rate she does, she'll be my weight before you know it! And that, makes me nervous. I don't like looking at her and then thinking that's where I am or "do I look like that?" I don't like it at all. For the record, I don't. Clearly, I mean it's all in the blog and such but that number. THAT FLIPPING NUMBER. I have nothing against the woman, as I actually watch the show. I mean I could do without all the singing of the words and the southern drawl, but it is actually a good show with a concept. But her NUMBER is getting too close for comfort to my number.

I did it though. It's clear that I don't know what I need, but I need to do something. Bare with me people...I'm in the contemplation stage - I'm trying to figure out how to tackle this beast *again* without stressing myself out. It seems this go around I'm more worried about stressing myself out with trying to "fit in" the workout than anything. Be patient with me, I'll find my motivation again. In the meantime I need to stop eating completely. Otherwise my clothing is going to rebel even more so. And after a full month of inactivity in July - I seem to have lost my way and my motivation.

Drake "Successful" Instrumental With Hook

I just wanna be successful

Nursing...mostly all of you know that that is what is occupying my time as of late. So we just had our first exam - to which i PASSED thankyouverymuch - but studying had my a bit conflicted and practicing nursing assessments on myself. me no likey.

It was the self-esteem chapter. It just *had* to be that chapter of all chapters right. It also talked about have a postive self-concept, self-awareness, and body image. All of these words kind of had my writhing in my seat a bit.

It may sound silly, but I'm taking this whole "live the healthy lifestyle" thing very very seriously. Don't you just hate when a fat doctor walks into the room and tells you to lose weight? Well this is exactly the same thing that I think about. How can a fat nurse walk into the room and tell you to live a healthy lifestyle when you've just had a heartattack? I mean I know how I would react - I'd be like, "hmmmm, yea....she's definetly not walking the talk". I'm ALL about walking the talk, and it annoys me to no end that I'm not what I am in my head. I don't look like the athelete I feel like on some days. Lately, I'm beginning to think mentally I am not the athelete that I think I am. This crap takes work - but the question is do I have it in me to actually complete the job?

I've been heavy my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. And let me tell you, it sucks to no end. *tear* I mean some may be ok with living an unhealthy lifestyle and being overweight. But not me. It bothers me, to the point where sometimes it consumes me and I have breakdowns over it. Lately I've been having at least 2 breakdowns a month since May, even though I've lost 10lbs. You don't get it, I NEVER thought of myself as pretty until I started working in the nursing home. I'd go around and visit those families and all those little old men and women use to say, "child, you are so pretty." or "you have such a sweet spirit"

*turning and looking over shoulder* who? me?

I promise you. I never did. Those older folks are when I started to realize my potential physically. I thought, well hey, I'm not half bad. I never was boy crazy so boyfriendsssss - plural - wasn't really an issue. Although, I do remember hearing it from them. I also remember rumaging through a certain boyfriends things as young girls do and found a letter he had written to another girl saying, "...I hope she doesn't end up fat like her mother..." or something to that effect. we lost touch after that. 10 cool points for me, -347923472983749832 for him. Then I went to college. Nope...didn't really start having fun until I pledged ;) Pledging in and of itself kind of sucks ass but it was an experience I wouldn't change. But while I was on line with my line sisters, we would always hear, "they are such a pretty line" all the time. anytime someone came to visit this was pointed out. That's when I embraced it. hey, I AM pretty, and not just because mom says so. :)

Then I grew up a bit more and my weight began to bother me even more. The more active I became or wanted to become the more it loomed over my head. Then I met him, the man I knew I was going to marry. For the life of me I couldn't understand how he could love me so much - 3000 miles away mind you- and I didn't love myself nearly 1/2 as much as he did. I promptly lost 60lbs and felt GREAT about myself. But then life happened, I got my Masters, began managing not 1 but 2 buildings, decided to move, my mother lost her job on multiple occassions blah blah blah yakkity smakkity. And here I sit...having regained every bit of the 60lbs I lost.

And now I do triathlons. I still can't call myself that triathlete yet. I do races. period.

One thing I grapple with is, "why, do I continue to be cyclical with my weight?" It is the one area in my life that I am not successful in nor have I completed. Is it because it's pure work and I'm not up for that? Is it because I just love food? Is it because I don't think of myself worthy? I'm even angry I wrote that last statement. I deserve better dammit. I deserve to be happy with my weight, but that doesn't mean I have to accept what it is at this time. Why am I emotional?


Whatever it is, I've got to figure out what it is and why I'm not what I am in my head. I'm an overachiever and I just flat out refuse to let this win. But I'm just not quite sure what to do/try/talk to/head next. Why can't I accept that this is hard and I just have to do the work - no matter what the work is?

I wanna go back...

to quote drake, "I just want to be successful..."

Ending my 2009 Racing Season

So the time has come. I think I'm ready to finally admit it.

I am, with hesitation, ending my 2009 triathlon racing season

There, I said it. I have to re-align my priorities and it goes a little something like this:

1. Me - mental self, relationship


2. Nursing School


3. Triathlons

As simple as that bolded statement may sound, I really had trouble admitting that to myself and then putting it out there. Racing has become a part of what I do and to just turn it down was difficult for me to wrap my mind around. And right now, #3 was stressing me out instead of de-stressing me. Trying to fit everything in at the height of the season was literally making me lose my mind. I felt like I was letting everyone down when I couldn't fit in all of the actual workouts; at the height of the season, the workouts were more than 1 hour in length. I felt like I was letting myself down. Why is it that one simple missed workout can cause such mental anguish? Even as I type this I am completely hesistant.

*disclaimer - this is not me*

So because of the fact that I'm having such a hard time establishing a routine (although I think i have one now, until September) I have just decided to forgo the rest of the season and focus on 1, 2 and the imaginary #4 (weight loss). #2 is a lot of work and you know I've been given this opportunity, while still maintining my wonderful full-time job, so I am going to take advantage of it. I have to make sure I do well and pass these classes because one non-passed class is a dismissal from the program and we just can't have that. But, Let's be real...that #4 consumes my life. Actually, at the peak of the racing season it is TOUGH to try to drop weight. You'll here triathletes say that your body rebels or actually gains weight when you are exerecising 8+ hours a week - and you know what, it's true. Our bodies are completely weird things.


As a result of my hectic 2009, I've decided to scale back down and focus on being lighter for next season and actually start the conditioning training for the half-marathons that I want to run in Feb and March. I do not want hurt like I did last time. Or as my honey would say, try to make it a Trina stride this year instead of a Trina trot.Truth be told, I love the training more than the racing anyway - racing is hard. Hard mentally (I can handle that) but hard PHYSICALLY. It's the consistent workout that's goal oriented is what I love. The racing...meh. not so much. And as I continue to figure myself out, I do believe that previous statement is purely due to the extra weight. So now I just want to focus on me and school. Maybe if I do right by my run in my "off season" I can be in the middle of the pack next season.

Now, I will still be doing the Tour Davita(monetary commitment) and the tri in October (unknown schedule) is not completely out of the question...so just stay tuned...

Greece Pics

And I have done it....Greece Pics for everyone.

click this: http://www.kodakgallery.com/BrowsePhotos.jsp?&collid=619946746108.887257216308.1249411793159&page=1&sort_order=0&navfolderid=0&folderid=0&ownerid=0


if it does not work, please let me know by leaving a comment or emailing me

And then I woke up

beach in santorini

Well, it doesn't get any better than this right? I was secretly sitting on the beach in Greece hoping that when I came home someone would have won the lottery so that I didn't have to come back to work and could look at this some more. Nothing against work - I actually like my job and the people I work with - but seriously...does it get any better than this?

And then I woke up.

So as you all know I am here...I have arrived back safely into my routine. I've been MIA for a few days purely because I had LOTS of studying to do as my first nursing exam was yesterday. AND....I PASSED!!!! Big deep sigh of relief. I was very nervous for that exam so to pass it was immediate stress gone bye bye. *my TMJ was flaring back up because I was so stressed out*

Now that that is over I can dive into some introspective things that I have been thinking about in the next few post that I do. The first will most likely come tomorrow. Mentally, it's been a long rough ride since May 3 with glimmers of personal happiness in June and July; but I clearly still have a long rode ahead of me if I'm going to get back to where I was.

And i have to get back there.

to happiness