I knew, but I didn't know.

It's over!! My quarter is over. So for once I actually have a little time to breathe and figure out how I need to plan my life better. scratch that...no planning, learn the art of just being. (i meant what i said) But I'm actually feeling a lot more anxious because I know that I have an exam the 2nd day of school on material that I know nothing about. It never fails - awesomeness. I can't seem to catch a break. Not to mention they also threw in - hey, make drug cards for these 100+ drugs while your out. greeeeeeaaaaat. Don't know when I'm going to start, but I know I don't want to see or look at a book for at least 5 days.

It will all be worth it in the end. *repeat* it will all be worth it in the end *repeat*

On the other hand. Remember 50lbs in 120days. Well, looks as though I might want to get on that right? So I was thinking about why is it that I'm having such an internal conflict of doing what I logically already know how to do. I start for a week then fall off after a week. *repeat* why? Someone asked me, why is it that my confidence has changed in my ability to complete this task?

Because. And I'd like to add that I really had to think about this. Really. they why has had me stumped for a minute. but I figured it out.

When I stepped on the scale I exposed myself to me. It's not stepping on the scale that throws me. Now I just do it randomly for no reason, ok, well just to make sure I don't gain too much weight. lame i know. But that first time.

It was May. I know I mentioned it before, but I don't think I fully understood how much it affected me. Or maybe I didn't acknowledge it? Because I remember it hurting like the dickens. And I was mad. MAD. To the urgence of some fellow weight losing friends I decided to step on the scale. But here's the deal - I was doing triathlons, competing with no one but myself and feeling strong, and in control of my life. Knowing something was going on because my pants were starting to feel funny, but kinda in denial of facing it. Why?

Because I knew I wasn't ready. I *knew* it. I knew that I wasn't ready to see whatever number was going to show.

I had just completed a 13.1 mile race and was devastated with my time. DEVAS.TATED. But I was kinda ok with me. Kinda. it wasn't anything like now. I completed Irongirl a few months later and had realized that if I got my run together I could be middle of the pack. (For all you non-triathlon people, that's HUGE. big. BIG) But again, I was fine living in my world. I felt strong, in control of me. Read the report. It was the first time I wasn't even sad about my run. I had fun with it because I *knew* that I could fix that.

But then I went back to that number afterward. All the running, biking and swimming couldn't combat my mouth and that made me mad. warped thinking i know.

I lost my swagger in May. I remember. I think it was May 5th to be exact.

I remember crying for a week. A WEEK. Being very very VERY depressed for about 2 months and trying to hide it from the world. Because you know when you're the strong one and you get down on yourself people either a. don't know what to do with you or b. try to help in their own way (and sometimes are usually overbearing because they just want to see you back to your old self again). But you know I had to pull it together because I had a race to get ready for - and then WHAM! school started and my schedule went to complete and utter chaos. I don't deal well when my routine is messed with. I lost it...personally. My home, finances, me. ME went on the backburner. It always does. I'm inclined to type no biggie - in reference to me being put on the backburner. I think that's a bit of an issue...but I have to do what I have to do and somehow figure out how to do it simultaneously with me in the front. And I'll be honest, I'm still angry that my mother didn't/hadn't helped me financially but can start a savings account. yea. bitter. party of one?! *raising hand* Can someone win the lottery please?! PLEASE?! I SAID PLEASE! With that being said, I'm not inclined to stop my life so you can stop asking me that too. In every other area of my life I'm literally the happiest I've been in a while. And I say that with a smile while I type. lol

Stepping on that scale in May exposed me to me. Yes, it's just a number. YES YES YES I know that. Why do I let it have so much power? I don't know so quit asking me. I've watched every woman in my life I've looked up too struggle with this - I refuse to have my daughter go through the same thing. Your man is only going to tell you so many times that your beautiful before it starts pissing him off ya know. But I don't know why it has so much power. Had. Right now, like I said, really don't care. It only really affects me now when I try to wear something in my closet. 3/4 of the clothes in my closet I can't wear - yea. Because I can't fit them. lovely huh? or like when I try to go walking with my mom and ask her to turn around after a mile because I feel like I might die. Where is that girl who completed that triathlon less than 6 months ago? or like when your mom means well but says," I put this on layway for you, it's a 1x and you'll work to get into it, I know you will so you can take pictures with R." *backhanded compliment. thanks* wait. that's not even a compliment! I'm sad I lost her and sad I have to work so hard to find her again - and kinda bitter that I do have to find her again. 13.1 is going to feel like a lifetime at this rate.

At this rate it's all on me. I know that. The question now becomes how I'm going to respond to this new found revelation. So now I know, what am I going to do about it?

I need to practice what I said. The art of just being. I can be sad/bitter. That's ok. I can be sad for 39058409 months. it's really ok. But am I going to let the sadness/bitterness stop myself from this? Right now...yes. at least till 10pm.

It took me 7 months to move from angry to sad. I've really got to take bigger baby steps...