I just wanna be successful

Nursing...mostly all of you know that that is what is occupying my time as of late. So we just had our first exam - to which i PASSED thankyouverymuch - but studying had my a bit conflicted and practicing nursing assessments on myself. me no likey.

It was the self-esteem chapter. It just *had* to be that chapter of all chapters right. It also talked about have a postive self-concept, self-awareness, and body image. All of these words kind of had my writhing in my seat a bit.

It may sound silly, but I'm taking this whole "live the healthy lifestyle" thing very very seriously. Don't you just hate when a fat doctor walks into the room and tells you to lose weight? Well this is exactly the same thing that I think about. How can a fat nurse walk into the room and tell you to live a healthy lifestyle when you've just had a heartattack? I mean I know how I would react - I'd be like, "hmmmm, yea....she's definetly not walking the talk". I'm ALL about walking the talk, and it annoys me to no end that I'm not what I am in my head. I don't look like the athelete I feel like on some days. Lately, I'm beginning to think mentally I am not the athelete that I think I am. This crap takes work - but the question is do I have it in me to actually complete the job?

I've been heavy my entire life. MY ENTIRE LIFE. And let me tell you, it sucks to no end. *tear* I mean some may be ok with living an unhealthy lifestyle and being overweight. But not me. It bothers me, to the point where sometimes it consumes me and I have breakdowns over it. Lately I've been having at least 2 breakdowns a month since May, even though I've lost 10lbs. You don't get it, I NEVER thought of myself as pretty until I started working in the nursing home. I'd go around and visit those families and all those little old men and women use to say, "child, you are so pretty." or "you have such a sweet spirit"

*turning and looking over shoulder* who? me?

I promise you. I never did. Those older folks are when I started to realize my potential physically. I thought, well hey, I'm not half bad. I never was boy crazy so boyfriendsssss - plural - wasn't really an issue. Although, I do remember hearing it from them. I also remember rumaging through a certain boyfriends things as young girls do and found a letter he had written to another girl saying, "...I hope she doesn't end up fat like her mother..." or something to that effect. we lost touch after that. 10 cool points for me, -347923472983749832 for him. Then I went to college. Nope...didn't really start having fun until I pledged ;) Pledging in and of itself kind of sucks ass but it was an experience I wouldn't change. But while I was on line with my line sisters, we would always hear, "they are such a pretty line" all the time. anytime someone came to visit this was pointed out. That's when I embraced it. hey, I AM pretty, and not just because mom says so. :)

Then I grew up a bit more and my weight began to bother me even more. The more active I became or wanted to become the more it loomed over my head. Then I met him, the man I knew I was going to marry. For the life of me I couldn't understand how he could love me so much - 3000 miles away mind you- and I didn't love myself nearly 1/2 as much as he did. I promptly lost 60lbs and felt GREAT about myself. But then life happened, I got my Masters, began managing not 1 but 2 buildings, decided to move, my mother lost her job on multiple occassions blah blah blah yakkity smakkity. And here I sit...having regained every bit of the 60lbs I lost.

And now I do triathlons. I still can't call myself that triathlete yet. I do races. period.

One thing I grapple with is, "why, do I continue to be cyclical with my weight?" It is the one area in my life that I am not successful in nor have I completed. Is it because it's pure work and I'm not up for that? Is it because I just love food? Is it because I don't think of myself worthy? I'm even angry I wrote that last statement. I deserve better dammit. I deserve to be happy with my weight, but that doesn't mean I have to accept what it is at this time. Why am I emotional?


Whatever it is, I've got to figure out what it is and why I'm not what I am in my head. I'm an overachiever and I just flat out refuse to let this win. But I'm just not quite sure what to do/try/talk to/head next. Why can't I accept that this is hard and I just have to do the work - no matter what the work is?

I wanna go back...

to quote drake, "I just want to be successful..."