The triathlete complex

You've heard me say it over and over again, I do triathlons.

Swim, bike, and run baby. But I'm starting to truly believe that it gave me a complex. You see my second season in I was psyched. PSYCHED I tell you to get started. I was going to run a half-marathon to kick off my season and get this party started. I mean I was already in my coveted computrainer class to where I tried to work through the throws of being in a class with NO ONE who had a weight problem or looked as though they ever had a weight problem. Ok, I take that back. There was one lady who had mentioned that she, "lost the weight",but I never really talked to her to find out.

March 2009

Anyway, it really started with the half-marathon. I was throughly devasted by my time and how my performance went. It crushed me. I know it shouldn't have and I should have been excited that I actuall completed one but I'm not now and i wasn't then. I think I crossed the line somewhere around 3:15 or so. This is the first time I've ever really admitted that to anyone. My goal was 2:50 - who was I kidding? At my weight? Wait, I can't even say that because the fact that people passed me who looked heavier than I was crushed me during the race. I put on a face that made it seem ok and that everything was fine, but that's where it really started this year. Prior to that I was moving along just fine and still a bit oblivious to what I had done to my body. The fact that I couldn't fit the xl shirt did not help at.all. I don't think I have one race shirt or great technical t-shirt I can fit at all. I kinda suck like that. *tear* I had to go back and face my coach and act like nothing was wrong. I guess I didn't have too - oh geeze - *tears* but I did. I let no one know the extreme devastation I felt and the emotional pain of realizing - hey, you really are a fat girl ya know. I should have never told anyone that I was doing that stupid race. *tears*

From that point on I couldn't do anything but eat. I stayed active, but I tried, ok, I guess I didn't really try, I looked for the easy way out of losing weight - Fresh and Fit. My food was no where near right. I ate what and when I wanted too, I mean I'm already obese right? (yea, saw that on my chart once) But I didn't know how to deal with the pain, I still really don't. You see people say, "yea! I finished my first marathon in 2:20!" That was crushing all over again. Here I am the fat girl doing all of this working out and nothing weight wise is happening - halfway because I was eating. All I knew was that I was keenly aware of my size and what I could and couldn't do. I was surrounded by skinny folks - while they were supportive as ever - but they were how i saw myself when I was aware I wasn't. It gave me a complex. I got tired of see them with no buldges in their cute workout clothes moving at speeds that seemed easy to them. I promise you I tried with every fiber in my being to hang on to the, "but look what you can accomplish" thought. But I just couldn't. I didn't stay. I didn't fight hard enough. I gave up. That was in March.

May 2009

Then in May I decided I had hit rock bottom and enough was enough. I started journaling and trying to do right with food. By July 1 I had lost 10lbs. Not earth shattering, but good. But no. The bouncing back and forth with the lack of a continuous downward movement kinda made me give up again - but not until July when life got busy, I found out I got into nursing school 3 days before it started and I ended my season. But I'd beg to differ. I'll go as far as saying that my rock bottom may have actually been in Greece. Yet again I travelled and I was fatter than before. I didn't mention that my hips barely fit into the airline seat now did I? yea, that was fun. And I'm *this close* from needing a seat belt extension. *tear* How? What? How did I end up here? This never used to be me. My first flight actually had a seat extender already in the seat belt where someone used it in the preivous flight. WHY did I breathe a sigh of relief? I should NEVER have breathed a sigh of relief. Out with gorgeous folks and the biggest one there - refusing to be in pictures. No thanks, I'll be the picture taker. no cute clothes like the other girls. Clothes that were the biggest I had gotten in years. No thanks, bottom was Greece.

Then in August, I just forced myself back into things. If I would have waited on myself I probably wouldn't have gotten back into the swing of things for a while. I mean I'm back in the dark place that I promised I would never get back too. I'm not in there with 2 solid feet, but I definetly am playing hopscotch with the darkside. But I'm happy to say - SO FAR SO GOOD. I'm afraid to even talk about it because I'm afraid it will go away LOL. But that's just silly. I kinda just did it. I prepared on Sunday mostly and when the week came - I was good to go. I kinda honestly felt like I was on automatic pilot. I didn't think to hard about what to eat, I just ate what I cooked or packed for lunch and kept it pushing. I am just way too busy to even think about what to do. And my workout plan, well I got in 5 days this week! (I'm going to go ahead and include tomorrow - satuarday). All without stressing myself out. That's key.

All this racing, all this training, all this healthy stuff to whom I felt like I had no true outlet broke my spirit. Yea I race, I am capable for racing for 2-3 hours at a time. yes I can, but it hurts. And quite frankly, I'm tired of shit hurting. I want to be light, fast and feel the wind under MY feet when I run. I'm not there. I'm not anywhere near there. But I'm working on it. I swear on everything that is dear to me, I'm working on it.

p.s. I found the popsicle, it was under some papers on my couch. now to find me again...