Learning to just be...

Meh. I'm forcing a type. Not because I have nothing to talk about, but because I'm being utterly and completly lazy. And that's just the God's honest truth.

The dirty 30.

Ha. I actually like that. I have officially turned 30 on Novemeber 24th. And you know what? I am utterly and completly excited about my 30's. I just feel like oodles and oodles of good things are waiting for me this decade - include FINALLY getting to my healthy weight. The 20's were hard. They were. They were full of difficulties to which I honestly think I wasn't "grown" enough to deal with. Or shouldn't have dealt with. Or wait, were they growing pains? Anyway. I can truly say the 20's for me were hard in hinsight; and quaite frankly I NEVER want to repeat them again. Nothing against them, but I don't want them. No thanks. But on the other side, the 20's were a time of tremendous growth. I found my career, my man, my home, my own mindset, and my own opinions. I can honestly remember how old I was in my 20's where I said to myself, "hey, I need to have an opinion of my own about this." And then that was that ;) I never looked back. I learned when to hold and when to fold. I learned how to say no. But more importantly I found myself...kinda. I accomplished more than the average in my decade of the twenties and I have truly impressed myself.
And now it's time that I start moving on and developing a plan for my 30's. However, I do remember a while ago back in the summer where things were quite raw here that I realized that I'm not that great at living in the moment and accepting things at how they are today. So that's my plan for the 30's. To live in the moment. To love life and not plan every single minute of every single day. Have fun knowing that I am smart enough to figure out when I need to stop and take a breathe and when I need to let my hair down. So that is my plan for my 30's...live in the moment and just be. And part of just being is accepting that I have to work at this healthy lifestyle thing. To be honest I really wanted to say healthy lifestyle crap. It's not as easy for me as it is for other people but that's no dang excuse.

So here I am. I sit. It is about making me happy this decade and doing things that are productive for me and not self destructive. It's about time I put as much effort into me that I did into everyone else and my goals like I did in my 20's.

I heard somewhere once that there is either love or no love. Love *is* unconditional. So there is no such thing as "unconditional love". It's either love or no love. period.

and it's time I start loving myself.

p.s. 50lbs in 120days....

flow with me.

So...there's been a movement. If you have no idea what i'm talking about then that's awesome. Just continue to live in oblivion. (that wasn't supposed to come across as mean). But if you know what I'm talking about, then just flow with me. Even if you don't...flow with me. Hell, I need to flow with myself.

It's time that we are honest with ourselves? right? Hasn't that been a lot of what this blog has been about? So I'm gonna be honest.

I know the healthy foods. I know the exercise.

Yea...I don't, haven't done it.

BUT, I'm taking baby steps again to get me back to where I used to be. Who knew this healthy lifestyle crap_ could be so hard! Why couldn't...oh hell. I can't even finish my sentence because when you look at life, it's just hard sometimes. HELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOO mother!!! you can take this being a grown up thing back whenever you feel like it.

On the flip-side, again...still feeling the miniscules of positivity out in the universe around me. It ain't all rainbows and sunshine but I can definetly see them in the distance. And for what it's worth, I've actually eaten veggies nearly everyday in the last week. And I drank my water too.
And me even typing this statement is odd because I LOVE those 2 things oh so much. Seriously. I love vegatables and water. yummy tummy.

And in the spirit of trying-to-get-back-in-the-habit, I managed to dismiss 6.7lbs for the past week.

go ahead. rain on my with glory and sunshine :)

WHOO!

*****rainbows****

Mom's are the best!!!

Mom's are the best!!!! I just HAVE to tell you what my mommy did. As we all know I'm in school...again...and I'm, let's just say, overwhelemed. I've been wanting to get organized for months and really clean this house but it just never happened. So much so it was starting to affect my mood right?! right. I mean I leave the house around 6-630ish and I'm not home until 7ish, so "keeping the house together" is a little tough. Well, the entire time my mom has been my sounding board. Well, she offered to come over and take care of Jordan (my doggie) on Monday so I could save a bit of money on the daycare. Well, she stayed alright. AND SPRING CLEANED MY ENTIRE HOUSE!!! WOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

My house is so flipping clean it is ridiculous!! I mean she even wiped the doors, window seals etc. I mean it's clean, organized, stuff is put away. The lady did all of my laundry, folded it and put it away. My house hasn't looked like this in probably over a year! She bought candles for the house (smell and decorative purposes) and bought me baskets for my clothes (i suck at buying necessities). You're probably like, why the hell is she so excited about this. Well, read my previous 2 postings. My unorganized house caused me to not want to be productive and feel in over my head when I stepped in my own house. Now when i come home, it's like a breath of fresh air - completly unstressful. When I came home she just continued cleaning and was like, "...I knew you needed help....I got your back.....go ahead and take a shower and start studying..." so I did. I mean the woman hung up my clothes and simultaneously listened to me ramble on as I studied about the heart and respiratory system!And she just finished up, hugged me goodbye and said she'd be back thursday to take care of Jordan.

She may get on my nerves, I may fuss, we may even get mad and not speak to each other for a few days. But she sure is there when i need her. If I could be even HALF the woman she is, I'd be so very grateful.

(she's doing some awkard smiling thing here but there she is!)

Now, I feel the need to eat a little healthier tomorrow and get in some exercise tomorrow in my new clean house. whoo! go mom!

yay!!

yay! lookie what I'm purchasing tomorrow or tuesday! I'm sooooo excited. I've been wanting one for literally, about 2 years now. Now, I don't want one because I think it will be the be all end all to my weight complex. It's THE MAGIC PILL!!!. yea no. I'm not dumb. I want it because I need something:

• accessible that my schedule will allow
• incorporates tri training and half-marathon training
• allows me to walk if all else fails while watching tv
• won't allow me to get out of the summer blah's i.e. it's hot. i'm not running in the heat and i'm not going to the gym. EVERY summer i do that. no lie.

I'm so flipping excited. I've known I wanted to get this thing for MONTHS. MONTHS I tell you. Do I feel like it will be a tremendous asset? HELLS Yea! Oh and there is that half-marathon that I keep mentioning. This will allow me to complete my runs on MY schedule (which changes every 10 weeks) and allow me to prepare with no excuses. And it helps that I found a super duper light half-marathon training program. It has me running 4x per week I believe - but it progresses me so slowly I don't think it will scare me off. For the first few weeks my long runs are like 5, 6,7 miles tops. Plus, it's a 12 week program. BOO-YAH! So I figured if I started my *real* training December 1. THat gives me a solid 12 weeks to train. And my goal is to run an entire 10k then go to a run/walk at 10 and 2.

What do you professionals think? There are some of you who run lots. What do you think?

I've literally got to start ALL over again. As if I've never run a step. I've lost my base in everything.

p.s. I stepped on the scale. ohhhh it wasn't pretty. nope. not as scary as I thought but not pretty. but what's even more annoying, it's like my skin is hurting from stretching. NOT.A.GOOD.SIGN.

p.p.s. on the upside I DID organize a lil!!! I cleaned my mantel and all of my kitchen! including cleaning out the scary dirty fridge :::shudder::: *thanks mom for helping* next up, taking all papers to work for shredding! I'm feeling a bit relieved.

mental days

So hear I am. This week I actually took 2 days off so that I could get myself together. My goal was to clean up the house and really prepare and get organized. But I only got part of what I wanted. What I really did was rest. I studied at the library about 5 hrs per day, but other than that, I rested.
And let me tell ya. It felt good. I've got about 2 chapters to do tomorrow. But other than that life is good. I'm just overwhelmed.not even because of the workload, but because I'm not organized! Organization is key. I can tell you one thing. That by the weekend I will have organized some, not all, of my home and freed myself of some clutter. I'm giddy just thinking about it. And that release ready's myself to get back on the eating right and nutrition train. I'm feeling......positive. Not all bubbly and bouncing up and down positive, but a glimmer of hope. That's what I feel.

Remember. Your house is usually a reflection of the mind. Get your house in order. Literally.

dude

Hey there. I suck at updating this. My goal is to do it every 2-3 days. So if you don't mind no pictures I can do that from my phone. Speak now or forever hold your peace. or get the hell out. makes me no mind.

And yes, I will acknowledge that I am sucking every so often so deal with that.

As the year goes on, I'm acknowledging that my patients for people is wearing thin. I'm working on that. But people never cease to amaze me in their awesomeness.

Where the hell do people come off questioning my relationship with my man?! um HELLLOOO. it's *my* flipping relationship. Now I'm not going to get too personal on here because I vowed that I would keep him out of this. But dammit that shit pisses me off. And by people who a. have had failed marriages or b. don't have a man at all?!! what.the.hell.

do you see my face? seriously. do you see it?

I know exactly what kind of relationship I'm in, how long I've been in it, what we go through etc. Hell. half the battle is realizing that we are dating ONLY each other and not the masses who love to dictate how our relationship should be or what we should do or my favorite...what i should allow. What the hell? That's the problem with relationships today. People always saying so fast what they should and should not do per the request of some lameass friend in a failing relationship single hood living life. kiss my ass.

When we do what we do. You'll be the last to let you know.

on the other hand, I fully acknowledge that 5 bags of m&m's (halloween style) does not consititute as dinner 2 nights in a row and I might as well plant the sugar/fat on that thing that is spreading below my back. channel ING. CHANNEL ING....

just sayin.

RANDOM

random #1

So is it supposed to be harder?

Again, all I keep hearing is that this nursing program is hard. uh. yea. I get that. Now do I think it's going to get harder? of course. But do I believe that if I keep studying, working hard and doing what I'm supposed to be doing it will get easier. UH YEA.

so quit telling me it get's harder douche. You're trying to scare me and really, it's not working.

random #2

I should probably make this it's own little post. But there's this little thing called a HALF MARATHON that I registered for again. I seriously need to get on that. Next month (at the end of the month), I'll begin training for that fateful day. I do plan to not die at the end like I did last year. Unfortunetly, I'm ohhh 35lbs heavier so that means I'm 35lbs slower. *kicking rocks* training is sooooo gonna hurt.

random #3

people are still stupid. And I miss updating this blog as much as I use too. Nursing sucks in this particular aspect.

for reals?

I should be studying. I mean literally. I study pretty much 4-5x per week a couple hours a day.





But that's not why I'm over it. I'm just over people. It's not secret to any of my *good* friends that I'm not a people person. Yea, I admit it, so what. I tend to not like people, write people off if they hurt me, write them off if they have no business about themselves or anything. To be quite honest, I enjoy my time alone. I'm ALWAYS on the go go go so it doesn't bother me to be by myself (I'm excluding the man here. I love him and love being around him no matter the mood).

That's Jordan. My baby. My spoiled rotten black lab who is now 1.6 years and about 80lbs. (this pic he is about 7 months here so he's a tad bigger and longer)

But seriously. As of late I have also been accused of leaving my dog outside to hang himself. Really? really? My backyard is all of 2ft long and 2 ft wide - exaggeration, but exceptionally small. Jordan couldn't even get a full run on if he wanted too without running into a fence. But yet and still me putting him out on his leash to roam his little area that he has leaves him depressed, in despair and at risk of hanging himself because he deserves better.



do you see my face?



God forbid I actually need to clean and move some crap around and put him outside to get fresh air...because you know he so untaken care of with that doggie daycare he goes too 2-3x a week and living inside my home spoiled rotten and having his grandma come steal him away on a regular basis because she loves him too. I mean he's so unkempt! Shame on me!



Then, in other little comments. Bursting my bubble. Really? really?



Is bursting MY bubble necessary? And people wonder why I chew them up and spit them out, write people off and not think twice. There are very few people that I can honestly deal with on a regular basis. And if you are one of them, consider yourself lucky. Yep. I'm sounding full of myself on purpose. Maybe I'm being moody, but yea. I'm gonna go with a no. Time is one of *the* most valuable things you can give a person. That's my opinion. And right now, my time is precious. If you even remotely read this, you know that.



Everyone else can suck it while I get mine. And then you'll be wishing I dealt with you.



*finger*

and this is why we can't rise as a people

yep. it's thinngs like this that make you question bringing children in this world. So I'm out doing my 5 miler race with my newfound friend of a friend. We are laughing and walking briskly and just having fun. Literally motivating ourselves to let this be the kick off of getting us back started. Even recruited a random lady named Holly who was having a tough time going by herself.

Out of no where...a jeep rolls by and screams: GET A TREADMILL!!

really? like we haven't thought of this fabulous revelation. And clearly walking on a treadmil with a number on our front accomplishes the task of being in a RACE. douchebag.

So I'm sending out this PSA. If you know a douchebag or know someone who knows a prick. I implore you to call them out and relieve them of their prickiness. It is now your civic duty if you choose to accept the task. And for the record...you need to just accept it.

God I hate people. But I completed my race dammit. happily walking at 1:21. suck it.

*falling out*

work work manage work school school school exam school work school exam manage work work exam manage work school school drive drive exam drive work drive school drive manage manage sleep work drive school drive work work work school school drive school work exam school work broke school work eat drive drive school work work school school work school work exam exam work school work work sleep drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive drive school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school school work work work work work work school work work exam school work drive work school exam work school exam work school exam work school


****1 day break****

Tour DaVita pics!!

it's me in our lovely jersey :)

we would literally turn corners or have straightaways with breathtaking views. On this one we came out of a residential neighborhood to this...Lake Michigan.

bikers at the finish!! there was someone behind me passing off beers lol awesomeness

one of my favorite pictures of the backroads crew (the crew that supported my company in this whole event).

bikers for days! it was pretty awesome. This was the first 2.5 mile stop at a facility. Things usually spread out when we got rolling.

it's Tent City!! (that blue tent is the cell phone charging station)- this was broken down and set up at EVERY city stop we made for 3 days. It was an amazing production.

the goodies!! (jersey {which they wash for you}, hat, shirt, bag {not pictured are pins at every stop and a medal at the end})

they fit you right there if you don't ship your bike

the arrival. My company sure does know how to celebrate :)

thanks jordan

It's 330 am and I've been up for 30 min already. I guess this is the heavens cruel practice for my clinicals that are coming up in november.
Not cool man.

But really, I'd rather have a dog that rings the doorbells for me to let him out rather than one that craps in my house. Right? RIGHT?! Even if it is 300am in the morning and I'm wide awake annnnd hungry. That last sentence made me realize 2 things; this is going to be a long day and this sucks.

On the other hand, I'm still really sad. I wonder if I'm pmsing as to why I feel all sensitive. (I know I know I should know but I've been earlier than usual for thwe past 2 months-so I have no idea when she's coming) I have no idea where to begin to fix this. I was going to add that one unhappy thing is not in my hands, but if you really think about things EVERYTHING is in your own hands.It's all about choices. I just kind of feel like my life is coming to a complete stop or pause when it should be continually moving forward.

Does that make sense? Is this normal? Should our lives have intermittent pauses? I can honestly tell you I have never had a pause like this because I was continually goal setting and acheiving. So I don't know if this is normal.

Like after nursing, I have no goals (I'm a goal setter). I have no idea what's next for me. Maybe part of my problem is that I just need to learn to be in the moment instead of looking ahead.

Jesus. I have just made myself more confused.

Can anyone provide some insight or your opinions on this matter? You can do it anonomously too if you like.

Thinking at 330am hurts. It doesn't help that my dog is snoring. That bastard. I'm going to watch DVR.

p.s. I will still post pictures later from the ride.